


Wounded Heroes

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-10-01
Updated: 2008-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-15 16:30:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8063683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: An alien criminal dredges up old issues.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Disclaimer: Paramount owns the characters; no profit is made from this story.  
  
Thanks to Mike for his valuable beta work.  
  
Timeline: A month after _Shall We Dance?_  


* * *

**** 

Malcolm was glad that at least Captain Archer had, over the years, allowed for some sensible security precautions. This thought was prompted by the knowledge that, once again, Archer would insist on leading the diplomatic party himself. While it was true that the Vâ€™vlani seemed pleasant enough, _Enterprise_ had encountered plenty of races who seemed pleasant but later revealed themselves to be kidnapping thieves. That the Vâ€™vlani were telepathic only heightened his anxiety. Rajiin had demonstrated how dangerous malevolent telepaths could be and Malcolm was powerless to defend against telepathy. 

Nevertheless, Archer was well into his first contact speech. â€œThank you, Senator Jabmari. Iâ€™d be honored to visit Vâ€™vlani.â€ 

The slightly pink alien waved all sixteen of its incredibly maneuverable fingers. â€œDelightful! Now tell me, Captain Archer, how are we to address your mate?â€ 

â€œMy mate? I donâ€™t have a mate.â€ 

Senator Jabmariâ€™s fingers all stiffened immediately. â€œImpossible.â€ If things were going to go badly, Malcolm much preferred it before there were three or more people out of contact on the planet. â€œYou are not mated?â€ 

â€œIs that a problem?â€ asked Archer. Malcolm thought it was blindingly obvious that a single captain was a problem, but refrained from saying so. It was lovely being a lieutenant commander and he was finally used to replying when someone said â€œCommander;â€ he didnâ€™t fancy a demotion. Besides, Archer had to be diplomatic. 

â€œOnly mated couples are allowed to serve in matters of diplomacy and government, Captain. It helps ensure stability. Iâ€™m afraid itâ€™s out of the question for you to visit. Have you any mated couples aboard?â€ 

Perhaps that was supposed to minimize scandalous encounters between senators and interns. In any event Malcolm knew where it was going. At least the security was good. He hardly ever got a one-to-one ratio. 

â€œAs a matter of fact, I do.â€ 

Senator Jabmari sounded encouraged, and seven of his fingers began tentatively waving. â€œOf suitable rank to partake in a cultural exchange?â€ 

â€œBoth members of my senior staff,â€ assured Archer. Yes, Malcolm had seen that coming. 

All sixteen fingers were back in action. â€œSplendid! Iâ€™ll transmit the landing coordinates. Now, how shall we address this pair?â€ 

â€œCommander Tucker and Lieutenant Commander Reed.â€ It occurred to Malcolm that Starfleet Command was, inevitably, going to find out about the relationship sooner than heâ€™d hoped. On the other hand, if it facilitated diplomacy, Command was hardly in a position to object. He thought. They probably hadnâ€™t envisioned senior officers when relaxing non-fraternization rulesâ€¦ he forced that useless train of thought from his mind and focused his attention on the captain, who paused a moment before asking, â€œSenator, are you bothered by same-sex couples?â€ 

â€œIâ€™ve heard rumors about such matings, but dismissed them as lies made up to shock those of us who remain at home.â€ 

â€œThey arenâ€™t.â€ 

The senatorâ€™s fingers quivered spastically. â€œDelightful! What a grand opportunity to learn! No, Captain Archer, we are not bothered at all.â€ 

â€œIn that case,â€ said Archer, visibly relieved, â€œwhen would you like them to arrive?â€ 

â€œAs soon as possible! I anticipate their arrival with twittering fingers. Senator Jabmari out.â€ 

Archer, predictably, turned around and looked at him. â€œCommander, get Shuttlepod Two ready for launch. Iâ€™ll fill Commander Tucker in.â€ 

â€œYes, sir.â€ 

As heâ€™d expected, Trip arrived in the shuttlebay nearly glowing. He would find the Vâ€™vlani criterion amusing. Malcolm was far less amused, because the Vâ€™vlani could exploit their relationship as a weakness. Trip wouldnâ€™t be thinking about that, of course, but it was part of Malcolmâ€™s job. 

â€œI like these Vâ€™vlani already!â€ he declared as soon as the pre-flight checks were running. 

Malcolm thought it far too early for such judgments. Trip misinterpreted his lack of enthusiasm, but in a way that was at least endearing. â€œDamn. Command. You okay with this?â€ 

Did he have a choice? â€œIâ€™ll live.â€ 

â€œI know that, but will you live happily?â€ 

For some odd reason this reminded him of Prince Charming on a white horse. Heâ€™d certainly had to read that story to Maddie enough times when they were smallâ€¦ but that was neither here nor there. â€œThey canâ€™t stop us.â€ 

â€œYouâ€™re avoidinâ€™ the question.â€ That had been the plan, yes. Unfortunately, Trip was good at ruining some of his best evasive plans. 

He settled on what seemed like a compromise. â€œLetâ€™s just say Iâ€™d prefer to have a smashingly successful first contact to distract them.â€ Trip didnâ€™t say anything, which was always worrisome. That prompted him to add, â€œIâ€™m not ashamed, Trip.â€ 

â€œI know! You like your privacy. I just wish I could make it easier, thatâ€™s all.â€ 

â€œWhat about you?â€ There was that whole business of not having been with a man before for Trip to deal with, after all. It hardly seemed fair to monopolize the angst. 

â€œIâ€™ve decided I donâ€™t give a damn what Command thinks.â€ Malcolm wished it could be so easy for him. â€œPre-flightâ€™s done. Shuttlepod Two to _Enterprise_. Request permission to depart.â€ 

â€œGranted, Commander. Good luck.â€ It was obvious from Archerâ€™s voice that he dearly wanted to be in the shuttlepod. 

As Trip guided the pod towards Vâ€™vlani Prime, Malcolm began his encryption program. Since the captain wouldnâ€™t dream of offending their hosts by assigning someone to guard the shuttlepod â€“ he agreed to that particular sensible precaution next to never â€“ the encryption program was the best he could do. It would take a lot of work, time, and blind luck to get any useful information from Shuttlepod Two, or get it to move under its own propulsion. 

â€œHow often are we checking in?â€ he asked Trip. 

â€œEvery eight hours.â€ It couldâ€™ve been worse. 

As the ranking officer, Trip wouldâ€™ve been given the mission parameters. â€œWeâ€™re not trying to trade for anything, right?â€ 

â€œWell, I never turn down a nice dilithium crystal or two, but no. Just first contact anâ€™ cultural exchange.â€ 

They fell silent after that, each absorbed in their own work. Malcolm considered further refinements to his encryption process. It was still quite new, as only the week before â€“ after Shuttlepod One had been stolen for the fifth time â€“ had Captain Archer agreed to the plan. The propulsion system could use another layer of security, perhaps. Last time they barely got the pod back in one piece, but then they needed to be able to access systems quickly themselves in the case of a speedy getawayâ€¦ 

They touched down in and exited the pod, only to discover that walls and a ceiling had formed around the landing pad. He was about to whip out his phase pistol when Senator Jabmariâ€™s voice sounded. â€œPlease proceed out the door to your left. We simply wish to ensure that you do not bring harmful substances to our world.â€ It was a perfectly reasonable explanation. Of course, it could also be a trap, but it was the kind of thing that Malcolm had to admire. 

Through the door was a tiny room with ridiculously bright light. â€œWe will now scan you.â€ He wouldnâ€™t have thought it possible, but the lights got even brighter. If heâ€™d known, he would have brought sunglasses. â€œVery well, Commander Tucker and Lieutenant Commander Reed. Please exit through the door in front of you.â€ 

The door in question slid open. Mercifully, the lighting was a bit lower than _Enterprise_ normal, and once the yellow splotches in his vision faded he saw that they were in a domed room dominated by a square table. 

â€œCommander Tucker and Lieutenant Commander Reed of the Earth ship _Enterprise_ , I am Senator Jabmari and this is my wife, Senator Olwina.â€ Both of the Vâ€™vlani were contorting their fingers; for a moment he was certain he saw a braid. They stood just a few centimeters shorter than Malcolm himself, looking pinker in person than Jabmari had on the screen. Both of them were draped in what could only be described as neon green togas. 

â€œThank you for inviting us to Vâ€™vlani,â€ replied Trip. 

Jabmari led them to the table, which was set with one crystal goblet on each of the four sides. â€œFirst we drink, then we talk.â€ 

Malcolm eyed the liquid suspiciously. It looked like milk, but of course that meant nothing. â€œNo offense, but Iâ€™d like to scan this before we drink it. Our physiology is obviously different from yours.â€ Best not to mention that it would be an ideal way to drug them. That sort of thing tended to ruin first contacts. 

â€œOf course,â€ said Olwina with a flutter of her fingers, â€œIt wouldnâ€™t do to make you sick when we merely want to refresh you.â€ 

He wouldâ€™ve preferred water for refreshment purposes, but merely pulled out his tricorder. Selecting the tox-scan and ensuring that it was set for humans, he was pleased to see that it was harmless. â€œAll set. Looks rather sweet, though.â€ Trip would love that. 

Senators Jabmari and Olwina lifted their goblets and took long drinks. Malcolm opted for a more tentative sip, which proved to be a good idea. If heâ€™d downed as much at once as the Vâ€™vlani had, his blood sugar would have skyrocketed. Even Trip had only a small second taste. 

Jabmari cocked his bald head to the right so far that Malcolm decided Vâ€™vlani must have many more neck joints than humans. â€œBegging your pardon, Commander Tucker, Lieutenant Commander Reed, but I simply must ask. Are you truly both the same sex?â€ 

â€œYes,â€ replied Trip, gripping his goblet tightly. â€œWeâ€™re both male.â€ 

Jabmariâ€™s fingers undulated in front of his face. Maybe that was a gesture of confusion? Hoshi wouldâ€™ve loved to have had a crack at that. The senator whipped out what appeared to be the Vâ€™vlani equivalent to a padd. â€œFascinating!â€ That wouldâ€™ve been better if the frantic data entry didnâ€™t remind Malcolm entirely too much of Phlox. â€œIs this common among humans?â€ Yes, entirely too much like Phlox. Worse, actually, because they couldnâ€™t prohibit Jabmari from doing who knew what with the information. 

â€œDepends what you consider common.â€ Trip was getting better at evading questions. Malcolm wondered if he could take credit for that. It was, after all, sometimes a useful trait. Right then, for instance. 

â€œAre the majority of mated human couples same-sex?â€ Jabmari even sounded a bit like Phlox. The two of them would probably get along famously. 

Tripâ€™s grasp on his goblet had loosed some as the Vâ€™vlani appeared curious but unbothered. â€œNo. Definitely not.â€ 

Olwina had taken out a padd of her own and was typing just as rapidly as her husband. â€œWhat percentage, would you say?â€ 

â€œI donâ€™t know. I never really cared.â€ 

â€œReally?â€ Olwina didnâ€™t even look up as she asked the question, fingers flying over her padd. 

â€œYes.â€ 

â€œWhy not?â€ That was Jabmari, whose appraising glances were starting to make Malcolm feel like a lab rat. 

â€œAs long as people are happy, who cares about the statistics?â€ shrugged Trip. 

He wouldnâ€™t have thought it possible, but that only made the Vâ€™vlani senators type faster. â€œI see. And what about children?â€ 

â€œWell, there are biolabs and artificial wombs. Itâ€™s possible.â€ 

â€œThis is positively enthralling!â€ Malcolm was starting to suspect that Jabmari and Olwina had been anthropologists before turning to politics. 

Olwina appeared to be drawing something with one hand while typing with the other. Malcolm had never felt so much like a lab rat before. â€œNow, do all human couples have a dominant partner? And how did you decide that you, Commander Tucker, would fill that role?â€ 

â€œWhat? No!â€ Tripâ€™s horror was touching, really. â€œNo no no. Weâ€™re equal.â€ 

It was a bit dizzying to watch the Vâ€™vlani senatorsâ€™ fingers, so Malcolm turned his attention back to their wrinkled pink faces. â€œBut you are answering all of the questions,â€ protested Jabmari. 

â€œIâ€™m the senior officer when weâ€™re on duty, yeah. But when it comes to our relationship, weâ€™re one hundred percent equal.â€ 

It was obviously time for him to chime in, Malcolm decided. â€œIt might sound complicated, but itâ€™s actually not. We simply leave our ranks at the door.â€ Too late, he realized that phrase might not translate well. â€œSo to speak.â€ 

Jabmariâ€™s nose twitched. â€œFascinating! How do you copulate?â€ 

Malcolm heard a strangled choking sound, but three full seconds passed before he realized that he made the sound in question. Trip was looking at him with concern, but there was definitely a trace of horror still on his face. 

â€œIs that an improper question among humans?â€ 

â€œYes,â€ replied Malcolm, rank be damned. In no circumstances was he going to let Trip indicate that it wasnâ€™t always an inappropriate question. 

â€œCurious. My apologies for the intrusion.â€ 

Trip didnâ€™t quite manage to look either Vâ€™vlani in the eye, but he was at least facing Jabmariâ€™s general direction. â€œThatâ€™s alright. You didnâ€™t know.â€ 

Olwina kept her frantic typing, but Jabmari placed his padd on the table. â€œWill you tell us about your planet?â€ 

Finally, things he could include in his official report without careful adjustment. Not falsification, of course, just a certainâ€¦ refinement. After all, Starfleet Command didnâ€™t need to know that the Vâ€™vlani asked about male-male sex. Especially because some sadist without a personal life was bound to insist that they shouldâ€™ve answered. 

â€œâ€¦ but the only people on that continent are scientists anâ€™ researchers, because itâ€™s very cold anâ€™ not a good place to live,â€ Trip was explaining. â€œEarth has one moon, which we colonized about seventy-five years ago. Seventy-five, right, Commander?â€ 

â€œSeventy-four,â€ he replied automatically. Trip was good with many things, but history wasnâ€™t at the top of the list. Actually, it didnâ€™t make the list at all. 

â€œThanks.â€ 

â€œAnd how is your government run?â€ 

â€œEarth anâ€™ the lunar colonies have a parliamentary democracy. We have a president who is elected every five years. The president can only serve two five-year terms.â€ 

â€œAre there term limits for your members of parliament?â€ Interestingly, the pace of Olwinaâ€™s typing had slowed a bit once the topic moved to government. 

â€œNo. They can stay as long as they keep gettinâ€™ re-elected. Thatâ€™s every three years for the lower house, anâ€™ every seven years for the upper house.â€ 

â€œWhat a complex system. Vâ€™vlani is run entirely by the senate, which is elected for ten-year periods. We, too, may serve so long as our constituents choose us. It is common for -â€ 

â€œAaggghhh!â€ Tripâ€™s scream seemed to come from deep inside. In an instant Malcolm was beside him, trying to figure out what was wrong. 

â€œWhat is it?â€ 

â€œHate,â€ croaked Trip. 

â€œImpossible!â€ exclaimed Olwina. â€œWe were told that humans are not telepathic.â€ 

â€œWe arenâ€™t. Senator, whatâ€™s going on?â€ He didnâ€™t take his eyes off Trip, who was doubled over moaning. 

â€œThere is an incarcerated criminal who broadcasts his hatred daily. It is nothing more than a nuisance to us. Commander Tucker screamed just after it began.â€ 

â€œI need to get him back to _Enterprise_.â€ It had to be something to do with that damnable Vulcan bond somehow. 

â€œOf course. Copious apologies!â€ 

He might have been rudely ignoring the senators, but Malcolm didnâ€™t care. â€œCome on, Trip. Weâ€™re going back to _Enterprise_.â€ When Trip moaned again and didnâ€™t get up, he placed his arms around the quivering engineer and pulled him upright. â€œWork with me, love,â€ he whispered. Still Trip didnâ€™t move. 

â€œI will help you carry him,â€ announced Jabmari. The Vâ€™vlani took Tripâ€™s legs, Malcolm his shoulders, and together they hurried him back through the scanning room to the shuttlepod. 

â€œAhhh, make it stop!â€ 

â€œHang on, Trip.â€ The walls and ceiling were gone, and he leaned Trip against one side while opening the hatch. It was a bit of a challenge, but he and Jabmari were able to get Trip inside and sitting in the co-pilotâ€™s seat fairly quickly. 

â€œCopious apologies to both of you.â€ 

He decrypted the pod systems as fast as his fingers could move. â€œThere was no way anyone could have known.â€ Frankly, he didnâ€™t care about apologies as long as he could get Trip out of there. Jabmari was already climbing out the hatch, at least. 

â€œOlwina is explaining to Captain Archer. I take my leave now.â€ Happily, Jabmariâ€™s leave-taking included shutting the hatch properly. Within thirty seconds Shuttlepod Two was lifting off. 

â€œStay with me, Trip. Weâ€™re on our way back. Shuttlepod Two to _Enterprise_. Medical emergency.â€ 

â€œDr. Phlox will meet you in the shuttlebay. Youâ€™re cleared to dock.â€ 

Because he didnâ€™t want Tripâ€™s groans broadcast to the entire bridge for longer than absolutely necessary, Malcolm opted to close the channel. â€œETA two minutes. Shuttlepod Two out.â€ He was going as fast as he dared through the atmosphere, wishing that he could get Trip away from the pain even faster. 

As they ascended Tripâ€™s moans got quieter. â€œTrip? Talk to me, love.â€ 

â€œFadin,â€™â€ was the choked reply. â€œThank God.â€ 

â€œWeâ€™ve cleared the atmosphere. Almost back now. Stay with me.â€ 

It took agonizingly long before Trip spoke again. â€œAlmost gone nowâ€¦ there.â€ His shoulders slumped in relief. â€œGone.â€ 

Malcolm guided the pod into the shuttlebay with less finesse than usual, his main concern for Trip. â€œWeâ€™re back.â€ When Trip didnâ€™t look up, he leaned over and discovered tears running down his loverâ€™s face. â€œCome here.â€ 

Trip launched himself across and clung to him like a lifeline. This comforting business wasnâ€™t Malcolmâ€™s strong suit by any definition, but he was reasonably certain he knew what Trip needed. â€œLet it out, love. Iâ€™ve got you.â€ Sure enough, Trip began bawling. 

Phlox, following closely by Captain Archer, climbed into the pod. The doctor scanned Trip and nodded before saying something to Archer that Malcolm couldnâ€™t hear over Tripâ€™s soul-deep sobbing. They left the pod quickly. 

He rubbed Tripâ€™s back in small circles, tears forming in his own eyes for his partnerâ€™s pain. â€œIâ€™ve got you,â€ he repeated for lack of anything else to say. Really, what could he possibly say that could begin to touch on Tripâ€™s experience? 

It was a good five minutes before Trip stopped crying. â€œCome on, love. Letâ€™s get you to Sickbay.â€ Knowing Trip had been subjected to hatred, he felt the need to call him â€˜loveâ€™ more frequently than his usual habit. Trip nodded and allowed Malcolm to pull him up. 

Phlox and Archer were waiting outside the shuttlepod. Phloxâ€™s tricorder was out again, scanning. â€œHmm, increased adrenaline, heightened brain activity â€“ it certainly fits with what Senator Olwina described.â€ 

â€œWhy Trip? Heâ€™s not telepathic.â€ Until that moment, Malcolm had always assumed that Archer was aware of the bond Trip had shared with Tâ€™Pol. Considering the look Phlox shared with him, it was safe to say the Denobulan had as well. 

â€œIâ€™m afraid I canâ€™t say, Captain. However, I can assure you that Commander Tuckerâ€™s body is already beginning to recover. What he needs most now is sleep.â€ That seemed fairly obvious, since he looked ready to fall asleep leaning against Malcolm in the middle of the shuttlebay. â€œAnd company. After this ordeal he shouldnâ€™t be alone. The emotional effects will undoubtedly linger.â€ 

Archer appeared to take Phloxâ€™s statement to mean that he didnâ€™t have an explanation as opposed to being bound by confidentiality to conceal it. â€œYouâ€™re both off duty until Phlox says otherwise.â€ 

Phlox pulled a hypospray from his pocket. â€œThis is a mild sedative to prevent nightmares. You should go directly to your quarters.â€ 

â€œNot Sickbay?â€ asked Archer as Phlox administered the sedative. 

â€œAs I said, the physical effects are minimal. Right now the familiarity of his quarters is best.â€ 

â€œTake care of him, Malcolm.â€ That sounded like Jon the concerned friend as much as Archer the captain. At least, he thought so. Telling the difference was still new to him. 

â€œI will.â€ That was never in question. 

Pocketing his tricorder, Phlox noticed how Trip was leaning more on Malcolm. â€œDo you need help getting to your quarters?â€ 

He was going to decline, but another look at Trip changed his mind. â€œThat would be appreciated.â€ 

It looked as though the captain wouldâ€™ve preferred to help, but he stepped back and allowed Phlox to support Tripâ€™s left side while Malcolm took the right. â€œIf anyone needs me, Iâ€™ll be talking to Senator Jabmari.â€ 

â€œWhatever you do, donâ€™t leave him alone,â€ instructed Phlox as they toted Trip out into the corridor. â€œWe can only guess what Commander Tucker suffered.â€ 

Malcolm repressed a shudder at the memory of Tripâ€™s initial scream. â€œI wonâ€™t, Doctor.â€ When they reached the turbolift and were behind its closed doors, he felt it was safe to say, â€œIt was the bond, wasnâ€™t it?â€ 

â€œIf he told you about the bond, I suppose Iâ€™m not breaking confidentiality.â€ 

â€œSâ€™okay,â€ murmured Trip from between them. â€œCan tell Mal anythin.â€™â€ 

At this point Malcolm had thought Trip beyond speaking, and he was doubly moved by the effort and the meaning of the words. Phlox, meanwhile, simply nodded and began to theorize. â€œI believe the bond, while severed, left him slightly receptive to telepathy. It would take an extremely powerful telepath, but itâ€™s the only explanation I can come up with.â€ 

The opening of the turbolift doors precluded any more discussion of the topic, but thankfully their quarters were fairly close after that. They maneuvered Trip onto the bed, Malcolm removing his boots. 

â€œLet me know if you need anything, Commander.â€ 

â€œI will. And Doctor?â€ 

â€œYes?â€ 

â€œWhat he said about telling me anythingâ€¦ the reverse goes as well.â€ 

â€œVery well. Iâ€™ll make a note in your medical files, although I would like Commander Tucker to confirm when he is more aware. Please bring him to Sickbay after breakfast tomorrow.â€ And with that, Phlox left. 

Malcolm removed his own boots and crawled over Trip to spoon behind him, wanting to offer comfort with his presence. It was also reassuring to feel Tripâ€™s solid weight in his arms. â€œRest now, love.â€ 

He didnâ€™t sleep, just lay there for four hours holding Trip, thinking about some of their past adventures and how different he was since when they first met. Their relationship worked because theyâ€™d been friends first, he was convinced. It meant that he already trusted Trip enough to love him. Heâ€™d never been much of a cuddler before, either. Still wasnâ€™t quite as much as Trip, but he was becoming fonder of it daily. Part of that was necessity â€“ the beds were only designed for one. It was more than that, though; he enjoyed being in contact with Trip. It had to have something to do with being emotionally close, something that he had never truly been in his previous relationships. At that point he didnâ€™t want to start rehashing his past, so he began pondering how to increase the number of shots that could be fired from a phase pistol before it needed recharging. It was only when his bladder couldnâ€™t wait any longer that he gingerly left the bed. 

When he was drying his hands he heard Trip stirring, so he abandoned the hand towel, wiped his hands on the pants of his uniform and rushed out. 

â€œMal?â€ 

â€œIâ€™m here.â€ Trip blinked and flopped his head back down. â€œDo you need anything?â€ 

â€œHold me again?â€ 

â€œOf course.â€ He clambered back into bed and resumed his former position. 

After several silent minutes, Trip pulled his arms tighter and began to speak. â€œHe had so much hate. Absolutely nothinâ€™ but pure hatred, Mal, anâ€™ it was in my head. I tried to think of good things, of you especially, but it was so hard â€˜cause his hate was everywhere. Only it doesnâ€™t seem like enough to say â€˜hate.â€™ We say that for too many other things. It was way beyond, say, you hatinâ€™ the torpedo alignment to be off a bit.â€ 

â€œLoathing, perhaps?â€ Hearing what Trip had suffered made him tense in revulsion. It was far more than anyone should have to bear. 

â€œOkay. There was nothing else. All he is, every single bit of him, is loathin.â€™â€ 

He still didnâ€™t know what to say, but admitting that seemed like the best course of action. â€œI donâ€™t know what to say, Trip. I canâ€™t even imagine.â€ 

â€œYou donâ€™t have to say anythin.â€™ Just beinâ€™ here anâ€™ listeninâ€™ is enough.â€ 

â€œIâ€™m not going anywhere.â€ 

â€œYou know what, though? It was hideous, anâ€™ Iâ€™m sure Iâ€™ll have nightmares about it, butâ€¦ I pity him, Mal. It was hell, anâ€™ Iâ€™m not lookinâ€™ forward to those nightmares, but Iâ€™ll wake up anâ€™ it wonâ€™t be real. He doesnâ€™t get to wake up.â€ 

One of the many things he loved about Trip was his compassion, but the depth of that compassion sometimes surprised him. Another part of his brain, one faster to respond, took the admission as a positive sign that the ordeal would not scar his lover too deeply. â€œYouâ€™re right,â€ he managed at last. â€œBut he had a choice, once. Maybe he still has a choice, only he doesnâ€™t see it.â€ He didnâ€™t need to remind Trip of the anger that fueled him after the Xindi attack on Earth. 

â€œMaybe,â€ came the reply, although Trip didnâ€™t sound terribly convinced. â€œIt was everythin,â€™ though, like he doesnâ€™t know how to do anythinâ€™ else except loathe everyone anâ€™ everythinâ€™ in the universe. Iâ€™m glad you canâ€™t imagine it.â€ 

He wouldâ€™ve taken the burden from Trip in an instant, without hesitation, and carried it gladly. He also knew, however, that Trip felt the same. â€œAre the good things here for you?â€ he asked instead of replying directly. 

â€œUh-huh. You, anâ€™ our friends here, my engine, heck, even Porthos. Itâ€™s just that, along with all that, I remember his loathin.â€™ I donâ€™t think Iâ€™ll ever forget.â€ 

â€œYou know Iâ€™m daft about these things, but tell me and Iâ€™ll do anything to help. I donâ€™t know how much you remember, but Captain Archer said weâ€™re both off duty until Phlox says otherwise.â€ 

â€œI remember Phlox sayinâ€™ this was some leftover bond issue.â€ 

â€œYes. Apparently â€“ or at least this is the only reasonable explanation â€“ the bond you shared with Tâ€™Pol has left you sensitive to receiving messages sent by a powerful enough telepath.â€ 

â€œDamn bond,â€ grumbled Trip. 

â€œDo you remember anything else?â€ 

â€œI did tell Phlox he can tell you anythinâ€™ about me, right?â€ 

Malcolm was relieved he didnâ€™t have to bring it up. â€œYes, although he said youâ€™ll need to confirm when youâ€™re more aware. Which reminds me, weâ€™re going to Sickbay after breakfast tomorrow.â€ 

â€œI figured.â€ 

â€œI told him that heâ€™s free to tell you anything about me as well.â€ 

â€œThanks. If anythinâ€™ happened but I couldnâ€™t get all the details, I think Iâ€™d go crazy.â€ Malcolm knew the same would be true for him, but Trip changed the subject before he could comment. â€œHow do the Vâ€™vlani do it? I donâ€™t know how they can just live with all that hate anâ€™ loathinâ€™ being broadcast.â€ 

â€œSenator Olwina said itâ€™s nothing more than a nuisance.â€ 

â€œI donâ€™t know if thatâ€™s good or bad.â€ He didnâ€™t quite see where Trip was going with that, so he waited for elaboration. â€œItâ€™s good, because if it happens all the time they still have to go on livin,â€™ but itâ€™s bad because it doesnâ€™t mean anythinâ€™ to them. I think, as awful as it was, Iâ€™m glad it bothered me. I wouldnâ€™t want it not to bother me. Does that make any sense?â€ 

â€œYes. It makes perfect sense.â€ He supposed that to be unbothered by the experience would be less than human. All the same, he wished desperately that he couldâ€™ve shielded Trip from the pain. 

â€œGood.â€ Trip rolled his head back into Malcolmâ€™s shoulder. â€œYou know, this is the kind of stuff Starfleet traininâ€™ oughta cover.â€ 

â€œâ€˜Keeping Cool While Under Telepathic Assault?â€™ Good luck finding someone qualified to teach it.â€ 

â€œIâ€™m just sayin.â€™â€ 

â€œI know.â€ 

The comm signaled, and Malcolm wished he could answer without moving. â€œArcher to Reed.â€ 

Reluctantly, he pulled himself away from Trip and replied, â€œReed here.â€ 

â€œHowâ€™s Trip doing?â€ 

â€œIâ€™m alright,â€ responded Trip before Malcolm could get in a word. â€œJust tryinâ€™ to wrap my head around the whole thing.â€ 

â€œI thought Iâ€™d bring some food down. Cream of mushroom soup okay for both of you?â€ 

â€œSure,â€ replied Trip without enthusiasm. Dinner was apparently not a priority. 

â€œThank you, sir.â€ For his part Malcolm wouldâ€™ve gone hungry rather than leave Trip alone, so anything was fine. 

â€œSee you in a couple of minutes. Archer out.â€ 

While he was standing by the door he took the opportunity to unlock it. â€œYou know Phlox will be mad if you donâ€™t eat.â€ 

â€œYeah.â€ Trip stood and stretched his arms above his head. â€œItâ€™s justâ€¦ aw, damn.â€ 

In an instant Malcolm crossed the space between them. â€œWhat?â€ He waited until Trip looked up again, and saw tears glistening in his eyes. 

â€œItâ€™s just like thereâ€™s this shadow over everythin.â€™â€ 

He enveloped Trip in a gentle hug. â€œWeâ€™ll get through this.â€ 

â€œI know.â€ 

â€œTogether.â€ And for Trip, he would be strong. It ate at him to see his lover suffer, but they would recover together. 

Trip squeezed him back at that. â€œThereâ€™s almost no shadow over you, at least. Iâ€™m not gonna let this take anythinâ€™ from me, Mal. Iâ€™m not.â€ 

â€œMe neither. I love you, Trip.â€ 

â€œI love you too. I love you more than all that hate.â€ 

Considering how much loathing Trip had described, Malcolm was floored. Heâ€™d never really expected to find someone who felt so deeply for him. Having nothing to say, he hugged Trip closer and tried to convey all his adoration with the contact. 

The chiming door interrupted, but Trip held him tighter. â€œPlease donâ€™t let go.â€ 

â€œIâ€™ve got you, love.â€ 

Trip nodded before acknowledging the visitor. â€œCome in.â€ And it couldâ€™ve been Admiral Gardner and half of the Vulcan admiralty as well for all he cared, Malcolm was not letting go when Trip needed him. 

He couldnâ€™t see their visitor from his position, but he heard Archer inform them, â€œIâ€™ve got the soup.â€ 

â€œMind puttinâ€™ it on the desk? Have a seat.â€ With that, Trip pulled them both down in an awkward sitting position on the bed, still wrapped around each other. With clear reluctance he let go; Malcolm quickly slid back against the wall and let Trip lean back against him once more. Then he circled his arms around his tense loverâ€™s waist. 

During that time Archer had moved their computers to fit the dinner tray on their desk, then sat down in Tripâ€™s chair. â€œIs this a bad time? If youâ€™re not up for company Iâ€™ll go.â€ 

â€œNo,â€ answered Trip without hesitation, â€œitâ€™s not a bad time. Thanks for dinner.â€ 

â€œAnytime. I talked to Senator Jabmari again. He wants to apologize to you over the comm. I told him it depended on you.â€ 

â€œWeâ€™re stickinâ€™ around?â€ Malcolm was also surprised, and a bit appalled, by that information. 

Archer shook his head. â€œWe break orbit tomorrow at 1000. Geoscience is just about salivating over preliminary scans of the asteroid belt between the sixth and seventh planets. The Vâ€™vlani feel terrible, and couldnâ€™t give permission to study it fast enough.â€ 

â€œGlad something good came of this.â€ Malcolm wished he could see Tripâ€™s face, but he sounded sincere. 

â€œYouâ€™re off duty until Phlox clears you. Both of you. Your reports can wait.â€ 

â€œThanks. I donâ€™t really wanna be alone right now.â€ 

â€œIf thereâ€™s anything I can do, just say the word.â€ 

â€œThanks. It wasâ€¦â€ Trip trailed off for a second before finishing with a drastic understatement, â€œhard.â€ 

It was clear that Archer wanted a more detailed description, but he didnâ€™t make captain without learning when to restrain himself. â€œI can only imagine.â€ 

Tripâ€™s reply was so quiet it was barely audible. â€œYou donâ€™t wanna imagine it.â€ That one softly-spoken sentence made Malcolm cringe for the suffering of his partner. 

Archer flinched as well, and apparently decided to change the subject a bit. â€œYou werenâ€™t affected at all, Malcolm?â€ 

â€œNo.â€ 

â€œIt was the bond,â€ said Trip. So he had told Archer after all. 

â€œI wondered. Didnâ€™t you have it severed, though?â€ 

Trip nodded weakly. â€œYeah, but apparently it left me sensitive to really strong telepaths.â€ 

â€œDamn.â€ 

â€œNo kiddin.â€™â€ 

Archer stood up and moved towards the door. â€œIâ€™m only a comm away if you need me.â€ 

â€œThanks, Jon.â€ 

When the door closed behind the captain, Trip sighed. â€œIâ€™m all screwed up.â€ 

â€œWeâ€™re in this together.â€ It sounded a bit trite, but was completely true. He wanted nothing more than to take away the pain, but as that was impossible he would have to settle for being there to help Trip work through it. â€œIâ€™m here, love, whatever you need.â€ 

â€œI donâ€™t even know what I need,â€ admitted Trip. â€œExcept that I need you, Malcolm.â€ 

He swallowed hard, moved by the sentiment. â€œYou have me.â€ 

â€œYouâ€™re so â€“ Iâ€™m justâ€¦ oh, hell.â€ Trip scooted down until he was lying with his head in Malcolmâ€™s lap. â€œI know it was his loathin,â€™ but it felt so real, like it was mine.â€ Malcolm rested his left hand on Tripâ€™s head, running his fingers through errant strands of blond hair. â€œNot now. Back down there.â€ 

â€œGod, Trip,â€ he said, for lack of anything else to say. 

â€œYeah.â€ 

They stayed like that for several silent minutes, although Malcolm stopped stroking Tripâ€™s hair and just let his partner derive what comfort he could from their closeness. He was glad Phlox sent them back to their quarters, where Trip was surrounded by reminders of all the good things in his life. Just the week before Sue had sent him a new picture of his niece and nephews, which Trip had immediately downloaded into a frame and which now sat on his desk beside the picture of him and Archer scuba diving. There was also the viewport, which thankfully showed stars and not Vâ€™vlani. Trip had once mentioned that when confined in Sickbay he missed seeing the stars before he went to sleep. 

A rumble from Tripâ€™s stomach reminded him of the food Archer had brought. â€œDo you want to eat now?â€ 

â€œNot really, but I donâ€™t want Phlox to get on my case, so we might as well.â€ Trip wiggled off Malcolmâ€™s lap and made his way to the desk. â€œGrab some water?â€ 

Malcolm returned momentarily with two glasses of water. Trip had uncovered two bowls of soup which were filling the room with cream of mushroom aroma. Tucked in the corner of the tray were two chocolate chip cookies. 

They ate in silence, neither paying much attention to the food but eating it mechanically. Malcolm wondered how long the wretched incident would plague Trip with nightmares and briefly allowed himself to wonder how on earth he could help. 

The cookie, at least, Trip ate with mild interest. That was a promising sign. â€œHave mine too.â€ 

â€œI donâ€™t wanna take your dessert.â€ 

â€œYouâ€™re not taking it. Iâ€™m offering.â€ At Tripâ€™s skeptical look he picked up the cookie and stuck it in his loverâ€™s hand. â€œLet me give you my cookie, okay?â€ 

â€œIf you insist.â€ 

â€œI do.â€ 

â€œThey are good,â€ conceded Trip before sinking his teeth into the cookie. 

â€œIâ€™m glad.â€ The enjoyment on Tripâ€™s face, subdued though it was, meant far more to Malcolm than eating the cookie himself possibly could have. 

â€œWhatâ€™s the name of that stand-up comic Travis was ravinâ€™ about last week?â€ For some reason, the question took Malcolm completely by surprise. It made sense once he considered for a moment; Trip needed to get his mind off the horror of loathing for a while. 

â€œRoger Chapman. Shall I find a routine to watch?â€ Travis had better be right about the manâ€™s skills, he mused. The helmsman insisted that no human alive could watch Chapman without bursting into gales of laughter. 

**** 

Roger Chapman had taken Tripâ€™s mind off his experience for a while, even if the promised gales of laughter had been much less enthusiastic than was Tripâ€™s norm. The nightmares came all the same. 

Worn out from the harrowing day, theyâ€™d gone to bed as soon as the stand-up routine was finished. Trip had draped himself over Malcolm and fallen asleep quickly. When Trip began thrashing Malcolm was instantly awake; a light sleeper in the best of circumstances, he was especially quick to wake when concerned. 

â€œNo no no,â€ whimpered Trip, smacking Malcolmâ€™s ear in the process. â€œStop, stop it!â€ 

â€œTrip.â€ He placed his arms on his loverâ€™s shoulders, shaking them gently. â€œTrip, itâ€™s only a dream.â€ 

Still Tripâ€™s head bobbed wildly from side to side while his hands clawed the air. â€œStop stop stop!â€ 

â€œItâ€™s alright, love. Come on, wake up.â€ 

At last Trip slowed his frantic movements and opened his eyes halfway. â€œMal?â€ 

â€œIâ€™m here. It wasnâ€™t real.â€ Damn, he really wished he was better at this comforting business. His words didnâ€™t seem like theyâ€™d offer much by way of comfort, but he couldnâ€™t come up with anything better. Maybe touch would help. He could do that; lying back down, he pulled Tripâ€™s shaking body into his embrace. 

â€œThere was so much blackness. It kept growing, suckinâ€™ in everythinâ€™ in its path, anâ€™ I had to watch while it swallowed everythinâ€™: you, the ship, Earthâ€¦ it was halfway through the Milky Way!â€ The last bit was choked into Malcolmâ€™s neck in hot pants. 

Starfleet training should definitely include basic comfort for traumatized people. Not oneâ€™s lover, necessarily â€“ that was a skill useful for general purposes as well. Then again, if he and Trip werenâ€™t together, someone else with a better intuition for soothing could take over. Back to square one, which left him aching to help but unsure how. 

â€œIt wasnâ€™t real. Weâ€™re here, on _Enterprise_.â€ He patted Tripâ€™s back in what was hopefully a reassuring manner. Desperate, he attempted to refocus Tripâ€™s attention. â€œAnd weâ€™ll be back on Earth in a few months. Two and a half weeks of home leave, remember? What are we going to do after Maddieâ€™s wedding?â€ 

â€œIâ€™m takinâ€™ you home.â€ 

â€œWhat are we going to do?â€ 

â€œFirst thing Momâ€™ll feed us.â€ Tripâ€™s breathing, while still a bit rapid and shallow, was beginning to even out. â€œBetter not eat a big breakfast that mornin.â€™â€ 

â€œAnd?â€ he prompted. 

â€œAnâ€™ my folks are gonna love you. Dadâ€™s gonna ask you all about your job.â€ 

â€œWhat does your father do for work?â€ 

â€œDentist. So he likes livinâ€™ vicariously, I think. Not that he doesnâ€™t like his job, but itâ€™s not very excitin.â€™ Mom writes kidsâ€™ books. Wrote one about a spaceship not that long ago. Have to ask her to show you.â€ Now Tripâ€™s breathing had returned to normal and his muscles were relaxing. Malcolm filed this distraction strategy away for later use, as it seemed like a complete success. â€œDan anâ€™ Jessie wanna meet you, anâ€™ I think Sue, Rob anâ€™ the kids might be there too. That too many Tuckers, darlinâ€™?â€ 

â€œNo.â€ He meant it, too. Two parents, two siblings, two in-laws, two nephews, and one niece was a lot less than Trip was going to be faced with at Maddieâ€™s wedding. Besides, he wanted to meet Tripâ€™s family. â€œIâ€™m looking forward to meeting them.â€ 

â€œTheyâ€™re gonna love you. Not â€˜smuch as I do, â€˜course.â€ The thickening accent indicated Trip was falling back to sleep, something Malcolm had hardly dared hope for so soon. â€œProbly all go for a picnic. Play Frisbee.â€ 

Trip drifted off, hopefully to more pleasant dreams, and Malcolm followed him. 

An hour and a half later he was once again awakened by a moan from Trip. â€œStop. Leave me alone!â€ 

â€œTrip, love, wake up.â€ He shook Tripâ€™s shoulders as he had previously. â€œItâ€™s not real.â€ 

â€œLeave me alone!â€ With that Trip kicked a blanket onto the floor. 

Malcolm shook his shoulders a bit harder. â€œCome on, Trip. Wake up.â€ 

â€œMal?â€ 

â€œIâ€™m right here, love.â€ To prove it he lay back down and pulled Trip to him. â€œIâ€™m here for you.â€ 

â€œThanks.â€ Trip snuggled against him, forcing himself to breathe deeply. â€œYouâ€™re the best, Mal. I was down there anâ€™ it started just like it really happened.â€ He didnâ€™t have to specify what â€˜itâ€™ was. â€œOnly it didnâ€™t stop. We got back to the ship anâ€™ it wouldnâ€™t stop.â€ 

â€œOh, Trip.â€ Yet again, he didnâ€™t know what to say, but he held Trip close. â€œIâ€™m so sorry you have to go through this.â€ 

â€œBut youâ€™re here with me.â€ 

He wasnâ€™t entirely sure what Trip meant by that, but no matter. â€œIâ€™m not going anywhere, love.â€ Since distraction had worked well last time, he decided to try that again. â€œTell me about your niece and nephews.â€ 

Trip nestled his head into position on Malcolmâ€™s shoulder. â€œSeanâ€™s the oldest â€“ heâ€™s fourteen. He plays cricket. I donâ€™t understand cricket, anâ€™ it goes on forever. But heâ€™s good at it. Made the county team this year. Sue sent me the team picture. Martyâ€™s eleven anâ€™ heâ€™s wanted to be a vet since he was five. Last time I visited he had three rabbits healinâ€™ anâ€™ thatâ€™s how they ended up with two cats, too. If Rob let him, heâ€™d have kept a couple of birds he fixed up. Sarahâ€™s seven anâ€™ she doesnâ€™t like stayinâ€™ still for more than five minutes. Raises hell, that one, but youâ€™ve gotta love her anywayâ€¦â€ 

Trip nodded off again. As for himself, Malcolm didnâ€™t think he would get a great deal of sleep that night. 

**** 

â€œAh, Commanders, Iâ€™ve been expecting you. I do hope you ate a nutritious breakfast. Itâ€™s quite important to give your body the proper fuel.â€ Phlox set aside a padd and picked up his medical tricorder. â€œHave a seat.â€ 

Trip sat on a bed while Phlox consulted the tricorder. â€œI had a bagel, a banana, anâ€™ a cup of coffee.â€ 

â€œVery good. Mr. Reed? We wouldnâ€™t want you neglecting your own health.â€ 

He tried not to think of how most adults could eat without having to report their meals on command. â€œA bowl of oatmeal, a banana, and tea.â€ 

â€œExcellent. Commander, other than symptoms of stress, which is to be expected, you are physically in fine health. Yesterday you indicated that Commander Reed may be informed of any information regarding your health. Do you remember that?â€ 

Trip nodded. â€œYeah, anâ€™ I meant it.â€ 

â€œI thought so, but better safely than sadly.â€ 

At that the corners of Tripâ€™s mouth curled up. Malcolm wondered if Phlox had mangled the phrase intentionally for that exact reason. â€œItâ€™s better safe than sorry, Doc.â€ 

â€œAh. Thank you. Your human idioms are quite interesting; I continue to learn new ones all the time. Now, what happened on Vâ€™vlani?â€ Something squawked from the menagerie, but Phlox didnâ€™t pay it the least attention. 

â€œWe were just comparinâ€™ forms of government when I felt like Iâ€™d explode. It was in my head, but it actually hurt. I think I screamed.â€ Malcolm thought heâ€™d be haunted by the scream for weeks, but merely nodded. â€œEverythinâ€™ was hate, only thatâ€™s not strong enough. Loathinâ€™ isnâ€™t really strong enough either. Iâ€™m not sure thereâ€™s a word, Doc. But there was nothinâ€™ else.â€ 

Phloxâ€™s normally cheerful face lacked any trace of a smile. â€œHow long did this last?â€ 

â€œI donâ€™t know.â€ 

â€œHe said it started fading halfway back; it mustâ€™ve been two minutes, plus another thirty seconds before it stopped,â€ supplied Malcolm. The longest two and a half minutes of his life, but he didnâ€™t mention that. 

â€œHow did it feel?â€ 

Trip glanced away towards the door. â€œThere really arenâ€™t words.â€ 

Naturally Phlox was undeterred. â€œTry.â€ 

When Trip hesitated, Malcolm stepped closer and placed his hand on top of Tripâ€™s, who clutched it tightly. â€œIt wasâ€¦ I tried thinkinâ€™ of good things, but nothinâ€™ seemed real except all that hate.â€ 

â€œAnd now?â€ 

â€œItâ€™s kinda like thereâ€™s a shadow over things, somethinâ€™ left behind. But itâ€™s not as bad as it was yesterday.â€ 

Phlox made a little â€œhmmâ€ noise in the back of his throat. â€œHow did you sleep?â€ 

â€œAbout as well as youâ€™d expect. Malcolm had to wake me up twice in the middle of the night. I was havinâ€™ nightmares.â€ 

â€œIs his presence comforting?â€ 

Trip flashed a small, grateful smile at him. â€œHe helps a lot.â€ That was reassuring, since he didnâ€™t exactly know what he was doing. 

â€œAlright. No working for you gentlemen today. I want you to relax, eat well, and get a good nightâ€™s sleep. Come back tomorrow after breakfast and weâ€™ll see how youâ€™re doing then.â€ 

â€œCan I at least read my technical journals?â€ 

At that Phlox smiled a bit. â€œI suppose that is relaxing for you.â€ 

â€œThanks, Doc.â€ Trip hopped off the bed and they made their getaway before Phlox could add any more bothersome restrictions on their activities. 

**** 

After a quiet morning with technical journals they went to lunch early to avoid the rush. Tâ€™Pol came in just as they were putting their trays in the dirty dish slot and she strode over. â€œComman - Trip. May I speak with you for a moment?â€ 

Malcolm still didnâ€™t understand them. He was sure that, if he had been treated the way Trip had by Tâ€™Pol, he wouldnâ€™t be able to maintain anything more than a professional relationship. How Trip managed a friendship of sorts with Tâ€™Pol was beyond his understanding, and he quite admired Tripâ€™s compassionate forgiveness. 

Trip led the way to the captainâ€™s mess, which only he would be presumptuous enough to do. Unwilling to leave Trip, Malcolm followed. When the door shut Tâ€™Pol gave him a look indicating she had not expected, nor particularly wanted, his presence. 

â€œHe knows about the bond already. That is what this is about, isnâ€™t it?â€ 

Her eyebrow shot up, but it didnâ€™t stay there for long. â€œYes. It is the only logical explanation for what Senator Jabmari described.â€ 

â€œPhlox thinks it left me receptive to strong telepaths.â€ 

â€œNot strong enough a telepath to affect other humans.â€ 

â€œNo.â€ 

She stood silently for a moment, and when she spoke again her voice was softer than usual. â€œI am responsible.â€ Malcolm had never seen Tâ€™Pol looking so close to distraught, and it set off warning bells in his head. 

Trip, on the other hand, seemed to know precisely what was happening. â€œYou didnâ€™t know.â€ 

â€œThat does not excuse my actions.â€ There was something else going on here, although Malcolm couldnâ€™t put a finger on it. Tâ€™Pol looked almost guilty, and Trip knew exactly what she was talking about. She glanced his way again. 

â€œWe can stop this conversation, Tâ€™Pol, but I need Malcolm right now, so donâ€™t ask him to leave. Please.â€ Yes, decidedly more going on than he was aware of. Malcolm didnâ€™t like that one bit, but he moved over so his shoulder was just grazing Tripâ€™s. 

â€œI never apologized,â€ she continued after a long moment. 

â€œThe meld, before the priestess broke the bondâ€¦ I knew.â€ 

Once again Tâ€™Pol looked at him, and for some odd reason Malcolm got the impression that having him there was turning into her penance. For what, he didnâ€™t know. â€œMy behavior was reprehensible.â€ That sounded rather emotional, which only made Malcolm more confused. â€œIt now appears that the consequences extend further than we were previously aware of. I was criminally negligent, and I caused you considerable pain.â€ 

_Criminally negligent!?!?_ What in the name of all that was holy was she talking about? And moreover, how come nobody saw fit to inform the Chief of Security about it? 

â€œYou helped me a lot, Tâ€™Pol.â€ When she didnâ€™t reply, Trip glanced over at him before going on, â€œanâ€™ Iâ€™ve had enough hate. Even before this. Iâ€¦ oh, hell. Apology accepted.â€ 

She nodded. â€œYou may tell him.â€ Then she pivoted on her heel and strode out of the room. 

Trip dropped into the closest chair, so Malcolm pulled a chair over and sat next to him. â€œYouâ€™re not gonna like this,â€ warned his lover after a moment. 

â€œSo Iâ€™ve gathered.â€ 

â€œI mean, youâ€™re really, really not gonna like this.â€ 

â€œIt canâ€™t possibly be as bad as wondering.â€ 

Trip focused his eyes on the viewport. â€œWeâ€™ll see about that. You know how Tâ€™Pol started actinâ€™ kinda weird in the Expanse?â€ 

â€œWe all acted weird in the Expanse.â€ Trip had, too, but theyâ€™d dealt with that upon the resumption of their original mission of exploration. Besides, Malcolm knew he hadnâ€™t been himself either. None of them had. 

â€œWell, Tâ€™Pol acted weirdest of all. Turns out â€“ anâ€™ I didnâ€™t know this until I went to ask her about gettinâ€™ rid of the damned bond â€“ that she was injectinâ€™ herself with Trellium.â€ 

A pin dropping wouldâ€™ve produced a thunderous roar. If he hadnâ€™t heard it from Trip, and seen Tâ€™Pol moments before, he never would have believed it. â€œTâ€™Pol? Trellium?â€ 

â€œYeah.â€ 

He asked the only thing he could think of. â€œWhy?â€ 

â€œI donâ€™t really know. She tried to tell me, anâ€™ I was in her head, but I still donâ€™t get it. Thought she could use it to explore emotions, or somethinâ€™ like that.â€ 

Somewhere, deep in the bowels of Hell, a snowball fight had to be going on. Although this certainly explained Tâ€™Polâ€™s uncharacteristic behavior. â€œYouâ€™re telling me that Tâ€™Pol, our Vulcan first officer, wanted to explore emotions. So she used a drug. Andâ€¦â€ suddenly the phrase â€œcriminally negligentâ€ sprung to mind again. â€œAnd she was using at Azati Prime, wasnâ€™t she?â€ 

â€œYes.â€ 

â€œBloody hell! No, thatâ€™s not enough. My God, Trip, do you know what that means?â€ 

â€œYes.â€ The gravity with which Trip spoke that single word said more than anything else could. Malcolm cursed in his head. Why did they have to deal with this now? Hadnâ€™t Trip gone through enough in the last twenty-four hours? â€œPhlox helped her get clean. Weâ€™re the only other ones who know.â€ 

That sort of thing shouldâ€™ve been reported immediately. His head was racing so badly he couldnâ€™t even distinguish distinct feelings. 

â€œIt wasnâ€™t my secret to tell you.â€ 

â€œI know.â€ He didnâ€™t like it, of course, but he understood that. Trip hadnâ€™t even known until a year after the fact, when he was still grieving the death of a daughter created by terrorists and trying to get rid of a mental bond. However, there were still many unresolved questions. â€œPhlox should have reported her.â€ And truthfully Trip should have as well. Bloody, bloody hell. 

Trip put his elbows on the table and finally looked at him. â€œWhat good would it have done?â€ 

â€œWhat kind of question is that?â€ 

â€œIt was over. If she couldâ€™ve done better, if people died because she was on Trellium, it was too late. Dragginâ€™ her up on charges wouldâ€™ve just caused more pain for the families. Thereâ€™d been enough pain. Phlox isnâ€™t Starfleet. He made his decision. I couldnâ€™t charge in a year later and report it.â€ That all sounded like a flimsy justification to Malcolm, particularly on Phloxâ€™s part. Or was he being too easy on Trip because he loved him? Damn, theyâ€™d sworn not to do that! â€œSheâ€™ll never forgive herself. Anâ€™ a guilty Vulcan conscience â€“ Mal, thatâ€™s worse punishment than anything Starfleet could dish out. You saw her just now. For her to be that emotional, sheâ€™s gotta be tearinâ€™ herself apart with guilt.â€ 

Trip, having that aforementioned mind meld with Tâ€™Pol, would be the expert on that. A larger question came to the fore, though. â€œShould she really have a commission?â€ 

â€œI donâ€™t know.â€ 

â€œThatâ€™s hardly reassuring.â€ 

â€œSheâ€™s not gonna do it again.â€ 

â€œI didnâ€™t mean to implyâ€¦â€ he trailed off, realizing that perhaps he did. 

â€œI donâ€™t know, Malcolm. Things seemed so black anâ€™ white before the Xindi. Iâ€™m alive because Sim died. No, Sim was killed. A livinâ€™ thinkinâ€™ clone was killed for me. I donâ€™t have a right to judge anyone else.â€ 

Heâ€™d known they would always carry the scars of the Expanse, but he hadnâ€™t known just how deeply those scars ran. Maybe they faded enough so it wasnâ€™t an everyday issue. Again cursing the bad timing, he reached over and clasped both of Tripâ€™s hands in his own. And suddenly he understood why Tâ€™Pol had looked at him as though his presence was her penance: his knowledge of her shameful secret, and of course the fact that he should report her, was, in fact, to become part of her penance. Malcolm wondered if she also knew he could never report her because Trip hadnâ€™t â€“ he rather suspected she did â€“ and would therefore have to live with the knowledge of how compromised he was. 

The entire situation was overwhelming. He struggled to get his thoughts in some semblance of order. When he felt a bit more balanced, he stared into Tripâ€™s eyes as though he was looking directly into his heart. â€œI am appalled to learn of this, but in truth I should have lost my commission too. Tâ€™Pol used a mind-altering drug, I falsified evidence and betrayed my captain, but you, love, you were in a coma.â€ Trip wouldnâ€™t see it that simply. Neither would Malcolm, if the situation was reversed, and they both knew that. They also knew it was still true. 

Never again would he look at Tâ€™Pol the same way, even if that made him a hypocrite. Maddie had declared that he was one of the heroes of _Enterprise_ and primary school children would be writing reports on him for years to come. He wondered what his childhood heroes had suffered that was not for others to know. 

â€œWhy did she have to drag all this up again?â€ growled Trip. â€œDamn it all!â€ 

Lacking an answer, he stood up and pulled Trip up into a hug. Tripâ€™s anger was simmering in his tense muscles, so he suggested the only thing that came to mind. It usually helped him. â€œWould you like to go beat the hell out of the punching bag?â€ 

**** 

Erikson on one of the treadmills was the only other person in the gym. Trip made a beeline for the punching bag, stopping only long enough to don gloves. Hovering around would do no good, so Malcolm set a moderate pace on the other treadmill and watched. 

Trip started off a bit gently, but within a few minutes he was putting more effort into his punches. Malcolm finished the warm up jog and began running in earnest while Trip swung at the bag again and again. 

Ideally there wouldnâ€™t be anyone else in the gym, but it was a public place, so he tried to pretend Erikson wasnâ€™t beside him. It couldâ€™ve been worse, anyway. Erikson was one of his men, and he knew how to keep his mouth shut. 

By this time Trip had added a few kicks as well; the smacks resounded across the room. Malcolm switched to a faster setting, because he too was angry â€“ angry at Tâ€™Pol, angry at the damnable Sphere Builders, and most of all angry at the Vâ€™vlani who broadcast his hate and brought everything to the surface. Trip abandoned his kicking and beat the punching bag hard, throwing all of his weight behind each strike. Erikson looked from Trip to Malcolm and back again, then resumed looking straight ahead as though nothing remotely unusual was happening. 

Trip was muttering things, and even though the words were indistinct he had a pretty good idea what they were. Quite unexpectedly, Trip stopped. â€œYou too.â€ 

He slowed the treadmill to a halt faster than was recommended and leapt off, grabbing a pair of gloves and sliding them on while moving beside his partner. Trip stood back as he threw a tremendous punch at the bag. 

Trip took a turn next, and somehow without really planning to they ended up on opposite sides of the punching bag, hitting it between them with all the force they could muster. Malcolm pounded it for the wounds that would never heal, for the mistakes theyâ€™d all made and prices they would always pay, for the Xindi and Sphere Builders and Paxton and the damn universe that kept causing his Trip so much pain, as well as the Vâ€™vlani criminal. Along the way that Vâ€™vlani had become one in a line of wrongs; there were others, things he thought theyâ€™d moved past, but that he was beginning to see they never really would. 

â€œItâ€™s not fair!â€ shouted Trip. 

â€œI know.â€ He slammed his gloved hand into the bag. â€œI know, Trip.â€ 

â€œI never wanted anyone in my head!â€ 

Erikson was making his way to the door, but stopped to get Malcolmâ€™s attention long enough to mimic the actions of locking the door. With a grateful nod to Erikson he swung at the punching bag again. Technically the gym door was only supposed to be locked in an emergency, but this was close enough. 

Without warning Trip was chasing the bag, now, so Malcolm stood back and let him. â€œHe had no right! At least she didnâ€™t know, but he knows what heâ€™s doin.â€™â€ Tâ€™Pol had no right, either; no right to be doped up while on a mission to save Earth, no right to put Trip in the position she didâ€¦ but Trip was his immediate concern. â€œI never wanted any of this!â€ Hit after hit rained down on the punching bag as Trip pummeled out his anger. â€œDonâ€™t stop, Mal. I canâ€™t do this alone.â€ 

So they moved around the punching bag, battering it because it was the only thing they could do. Of all the human crew Malcolm had been least naÃ¯ve in the beginning, but nothing could have prepared him for what happened. And it wasnâ€™t just the Xindi â€“ it was Paxton and Terra Prime, Tâ€™Pol and Trellium, Harris, the darkness he himself was capable of and the people he couldnâ€™t save â€“ it was everything all at once, and it was as simple as the pure hatred of one Vâ€™vlani. He couldnâ€™t have explained it if he tried, but there was no need. 

â€œHe had no right!â€ 

It was eminently satisfying to slam both fists into the bag at once. â€œNone of them did!â€ 

â€œHe stirred it all up.â€ With a grunt Trip knocked the punching bag around again, and Malcolm hit it right after. â€œWhy am I the galactic whippinâ€™ boy?â€ 

â€œBecause the universe is a fucking bitch.â€ 

â€œRight.â€ Trip swung at the bag again, throwing less punches but measuring them, putting everything he had into them. Then he stopped and crumpled onto the floor. 

Malcolm was beside him in an instant, yanking off his own gloves before removing Tripâ€™s. â€œBut we have each other.â€ 

Trip looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. â€œI thought itâ€™d go away more.â€ He flopped against Malcolmâ€™s chest. â€œThought things could be almost like they were.â€ 

â€œAfraid not, love. Although I must confess, I didnâ€™t expect the effects to be this profound.â€ As they recovered their breath he realized that he had needed the release almost as much as Trip did. â€œI suppose this is what that saying means: even heroes have a right to bleed.â€ 

â€œI never wanted to be a hero, just an engineer.â€ 

â€œI know.â€ 

â€œNobody expected you to save them all, Mal.â€ 

He was stunned by Tripâ€™s awareness of his own pain, but probably shouldnâ€™t have been. That was Trip. â€œI know that too.â€ 

â€œKnowinâ€™ isnâ€™t always enough.â€ It was the remark of a man who spoke from experience. 

â€œNo.â€ 

â€œI wanna go home, Mal.â€ 

â€œHome?â€ They were quite a ways from Earth, and did that mean Trip wanted to resign? 

â€œYou know, our quarters.â€ 

Relief and loss of adrenaline were sapping his energy, but he managed to smile at that. Home. Yes, home was where Trip was. â€œLetâ€™s go home, then.â€ 

**** 

After showering with Trip he felt better. Everything the Vâ€™vlani experience had brought up was still there, but less menacing. Plus, he was quite tired. Neither of them bothered to put on a shirt; they just pulled on jeans and laid down in a hug. 

â€œWeâ€™re not gonna be the same, but I think weâ€™re gonna be alright.â€ 

â€œYes. We are.â€ 

â€œNobody else would understand.â€ 

â€œNo. However, I wouldnâ€™t wish understanding on anyone.â€ 

â€œYeah.â€ 

â€œIt wonâ€™t always be like this.â€ 

â€œI know, Mal. Anâ€™ Iâ€™m sorry you had to find out about Tâ€™Pol.â€ 

Malcolm was and wasnâ€™t at the same time. On one hand, it wasnâ€™t fair for Trip to carry that burden alone, but it did change so many things. Not to mention that, as a Starfleet officer, his duty in reporting the matter was quite clear, and that he couldnâ€™t do because Trip had known. And yes, Trip should have reported it, but he had been through so much trauma when he found out it was hardly right to be harsh on him. Their relationship over his duty, just like heâ€™d sworn not to do. Possibly worst of all, he couldnâ€™t find it in himself to care. Maybe that was because of the emotional train wreck they were on, or perhaps it was because he loved Trip too much; it could even have been because he knew what the Expanse had done to them, all of them, and damn it, even heroes have a right to bleed. In the end all he could say with complete honesty was, â€œIâ€™m sorry for both of us.â€ 

Several minutes of silence later the door chimed. They both sat up before Trip said, â€œCome in.â€ 

Travis stepped in. â€œHi.â€ 

â€œHey Travis,â€ greeted Trip. â€œMake yourself comfortable.â€ 

The helmsman sat down backwards in Tripâ€™s desk chair. â€œI guess youâ€™ve had better days.â€ 

â€œYes,â€ replied Malcolm for both of them when Trip didnâ€™t speak. 

â€œIf youâ€™re interested, weâ€™re playing Monopoly in the observation lounge tonight at 1900.â€ 

There was no way that was a coincidence, but it might be a nice way to spend the evening. â€œWho is â€˜weâ€™?â€ 

â€œMe, Hoshi, Captain Archer, and Doctor Phlox, who canâ€™t wait to learn a new human game. To nobodyâ€™s surprise, Commander Tâ€™Pol declined to join us.â€ 

â€œSounds like fun. Mal?â€ 

â€œWhy not?â€ 

â€œGreat! Iâ€™m due back from lunch in five minutes, so Iâ€™ll see you at 1900.â€ 

Travis was nearly at the door when Trip said, â€œTravis?â€ 

â€œYes?â€ 

â€œThanks.â€ 

â€œAnytime, Commander.â€ 

Trip was smiling a bit as he lay back down. â€œFeel like a nap, darlinâ€™?â€ 

â€œIâ€™m knackered.â€ 

Malcolm woke when Trip called out his name. At first he thought Trip was awake, but from the distress on his face he was clearly having another nightmare. 

â€œIt wasnâ€™t me. Malcolm!â€ 

â€œTrip, itâ€™s a nightmare.â€ This was accompanied by a careful shaking of his shoulders, which had worked the night before. 

â€œIt wasnâ€™t me!â€ Unlike the last times, Trip wasnâ€™t thrashing at all. His limbs were still; Malcolm didnâ€™t know if that was better, worse, or if it meant nothing. 

He shook slightly harder. â€œWake up, love. Come on. Itâ€™s not real.â€ 

Tripâ€™s eyes blinked open. â€œMal?â€ 

â€œIâ€™m right here.â€ 

He hadnâ€™t been expecting Trip to throw himself up, and they landed backwards in a heap, legs hanging off the bed. Trip clung to him, and Malcolm could feel tears falling on his neck. â€œIt wasnâ€™t me! I love you!â€ 

â€œYou were having a nightmare, love.â€ When Trip didnâ€™t respond, he hugged him back. â€œItâ€™s alright.â€ 

â€œI dreamt you hated me,â€ whispered Trip. 

Since he couldnâ€™t feel any more tears, Malcolm assumed theyâ€™d stopped. â€œI couldnâ€™t hate you, Trip. Iâ€™m in love with you.â€ 

â€œYou saw me makinâ€™ out with this alien woman. Only I didnâ€™t want to. She was in my head, anâ€™ I couldnâ€™t do anythinâ€™ to stop it.â€ 

He wouldâ€™ve liked to have looked Trip in the eye, but attempting to remove himself from his loverâ€™s iron grip struck him as a bad idea, so he settled for rubbing his back. â€œIf anything like that ever happened, I would listen to you.â€ 

â€œYou hated me. You wouldnâ€™t even let me explain, anâ€™ you were leavin.â€™ You thought Iâ€™d risk losinâ€™ you over some stupid alien. Oh, Mal, it was awful. I wanted to curl up anâ€™ die.â€ Trip was actually shaking now. 

â€œListen to me, Trip. I would never do that. Never.â€ Shock washed over him; Trip continued to surprise him with the depth of his love. So much anguish over a dream about losing him â€“ it was almost more than Malcolm could believe when three and a half months ago heâ€™d been certain he never stood a chance. 

â€œI know, but it felt so real.â€ His left leg was falling asleep, but Malcolm ignored it. â€œMal, this might sound dumb, but I need to tell you anyway, okay?â€ 

â€œAlright.â€ 

â€œIâ€™m not perfect, anâ€™ Iâ€™m gonna screw up sometimes. But Iâ€™m never gonna go around kissinâ€™ other people, or aliens, whatever. I love you too much to do somethinâ€™ that stupid. So if it looks like I am, have Phlox examine my head.â€ 

That wasnâ€™t dumb at all. In fact, it was possibly the most touching thing Malcolm had heard since Trip said he loved him. He couldnâ€™t come up with words that encompassed the moment. His heartfelt â€œGod, I love you,â€ wasnâ€™t nearly enough, but it was all he could come up with. William Shakespeare he was not. 

â€œI donâ€™t feel like sleepinâ€™ anymore.â€ 

â€œMe neither.â€ He was too moved by Tripâ€™s love to sleep. â€œWhat shall we do, then?â€ 

â€œI guess we could sit up.â€ Malcolmâ€™s half-numb leg heartily approved of that plan. â€œYou know, I havenâ€™t recorded a vid letter for the kids in a while. Maybe Iâ€™ll tell them about that Konal zoo. Martyâ€™ll love it. Too bad I didnâ€™t have my camera.â€ 

â€œYou did get that pack of postcards for them.â€ 

â€œTheyâ€™re still pretty much in the instant gratification stage, Mal.â€ 

He chuckled and moved over to his own computer. â€œIâ€™ve got the latest _Defense Tactics Quarterly_. Donâ€™t forget to mention the episode where you almost fell into a pond because of the noise that giant bird made.â€ 

â€œYou be quiet.â€ For all his attempt at grousing, however, Trip was utterly unconvincing. 

**** 

â€œYou owe me $26,â€ said Trip as soon as the captainâ€™s pewter dog landed. 

Archer scowled as he handed over the money. â€œThis is like being pecked to death by ducks.â€ 

â€œDucks? Is that even possible? Chickens, maybe.â€ 

â€œJust roll the dice, Trip.â€ 

His three put him on the phone company, to the delight of Travis who possessed both that and the electric company. While Trip rolled to see how much he had to pay Travis, Hoshi was staring at the board, intently planning strategy. Monopoly brought out her competitive streak. 

Shaking the dice a moment longer than needed for dramatic effect, Malcolm dropped them and ended out with eight. That landed him on Go, so he held out his hand. Travis gave him $200. He quickly added enough money to upgrade to hotels and returned it to Travis. Triumphantly he centered his new hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place. He was doing quite well, although Hoshi had a competing empire on the yellow properties. 

Phloxâ€™s combination of inexperience and bad luck had already bankrupted him, but the doctor had simply shifted into social observer mode and was peppering them with questions about strategy and the cultural references in the game. He eyed the Free Parking corner with curiosity. â€œDoes parking on Earth require payment? I used the public transportation system, so Iâ€™m unfamiliar with the customs for private vehicles.â€ 

While Phlox waited for an answer, Malcolm wondered if the doctor was regretting his lack of a padd for note taking. â€œIt used to,â€ he said when nobody else took up the question. â€œMonopoly is from the early 20th century. Now parking fees are included in taxes.â€ 

Fortunately for all concerned, Phlox wasnâ€™t terribly interested in taxes and economic policies. Hoshi meanwhile picked up a Get Out of Jail Free card on her turn. 

Travis landed on his own railroad station and nudged the dice over to the captain. Archer, much to his annoyance, landed in jail. Trip picked up the dice and tossed them onto the table: a three and a six. His luck had been mediocre at best, as he wasnâ€™t able to get a complete set of properties. Now he was on Park Place, recently furbished with a hotel. It would cost him three quarters of the money he had. 

â€œDamn.â€ 

Malcolm gave him a little smile and didnâ€™t say anything, just picked up the dice and rolled. Trip was surprised, but shrugged and did nothing. 

â€œHey!â€ Hoshi fixed him with her indignant glare. â€œMalcolm, he owes you a lot of money.â€ 

He merely plunked his little car down, â€œJust Visitingâ€ the jail, and slid the dice over to her. She kept glaring, but Travis was chuckling. The acknowledged board games expert â€“ according to Travis it was a necessary thing as a Boomer â€“ knew exactly what Malcolm was doing. 

Archer clearly didnâ€™t. â€œAlright, whatâ€™s going on here?â€ 

â€œItâ€™s sweet,â€ was all Travis said at first. Malcolm had given up on talking Travis out of describing him and Trip as â€˜sweet,â€™ as long as it wasnâ€™t in front of most crewmembers. It was a sign of his friendship with the helmsman as much as his love for Trip. 

â€œThatâ€™s not helping, Travis.â€ 

â€œIf the owner of a property doesnâ€™t claim the rent by the time the next player rolls, the person who landed on it doesnâ€™t have to pay.â€ Travis grinned, obviously pleased with Malcolmâ€™s loophole. 

Trip gave his leg a pat under the table. â€œAw, thanks darlin.â€™â€ 

â€œGlad to, love.â€ It was the first time theyâ€™d used endearments in front of other people, and to his surprise Malcolm found he rather liked it. Off duty and among friends, of course. 

Hoshi rolled her eyes and the dice simultaneously, providing an opportunity too good for Malcolm to miss. â€œHave we thanked you lately for getting us together?â€ 

â€œIf this is what I can expect, you didnâ€™t get me nearly enough chocolate.â€ Her tone was light, though, and Malcolm decided that Monopoly had been a very good idea indeed. 

**** 

In the morning Doctor Phlox was frustrated by Tripâ€™s reluctance to talk. â€œCommander, you must discuss events in order to process them.â€ 

â€œI am discussinâ€™ them. With Malcolm.â€ 

â€œIâ€™m glad to hear it, but I cannot ascertain your fitness for duty if you do not talk to me.â€ 

â€œFine. This brought up a lot of things.â€ 

â€œSuch as?â€ 

â€œEverythinâ€™ thatâ€™s happened in the last few years.â€ Since Phlox clearly intended on a somewhat lengthy conversation, Malcolm sat down beside Trip on the bed, shoulder to shoulder. Trip reached for his hand before proceeding. â€œIt stirred up all kinds of stuff. I was pretty mad, so Mal took me to the gym anâ€™ we beat up the punchinâ€™ bag.â€ 

â€œDid you find that helpful?â€ 

â€œYeah. I knew things would never be quite the same, but I guess I still thought they could be almost the same, if that makes any sense. Yesterday I realized Iâ€™ve gotta let go of that.â€ 

â€œThat is a healthy step.â€ 

â€œIâ€™m tired of people gettinâ€™ in my head, Doc.â€ 

Even Phlox didnâ€™t seem to know how to reply to that, but he nodded. â€œPlease continue.â€ 

Trip was increasingly frustrated and glowered at the doctor. â€œWhat do you want me to say?â€ 

â€œWhatever is in your mind.â€ 

â€œDo you want to hear how Mal has to keep wakinâ€™ me up from nightmares? That Tâ€™Pol just had to apologize yesterday so now Malcolm knows about the Trellium too? It was bad enough knowinâ€™ I shouldâ€™ve reported her, Doc, I didnâ€™t want him to deal with it too. Anâ€™ by the way you do know thatâ€™s your fault, right? Do you wanna hear how everythinâ€™s just a little off after that damned Vâ€™vlani anâ€™ it makes me mad but thereâ€™s been too much hate already so I donâ€™t know what to do? How I wish I didnâ€™t have to sleep â€˜cause I keep dreaminâ€™ myself back down there? Is that what you want from me?â€ 

â€œYes.â€ 

â€œYes?â€ 

â€œYes, Commander, that is precisely what I want to hear from you.â€ 

The surprise deflated Trip, whose shoulders slumped. â€œOh.â€ 

â€œI never intended for anyone else to find out about Commander Tâ€™Pol.â€ 

Trip gave a hollow, ironic laugh. â€œYeah, Doc, I figured that.â€ 

â€œIâ€™m sorry that my decision placed both of you in a compromised position.â€ 

For some reason Malcolm had anticipated a quick checking in before Phlox sent them on their merry way, like the day before, and all of this took him a bit to process. Furthermore, he couldnâ€™t decide if he wanted to hear Phloxâ€™s explanation for his failure to report Tâ€™Pol or if it would be better to remain blissfully unaware of that detail. 

â€œAll of this is quite healthy for you to be feeling, Commander. It is regrettable, but necessary.â€ 

Tripâ€™s reply was barely audible. â€œLike everythinâ€™ else.â€ 

The Sickbay doors opened to admit Tâ€™Pol. â€œAh, Commander, right on time as always. Please have a seat. Iâ€™ll begin your physical in just a moment.â€ Phlox then turned his attention back to Trip. â€œI expect to see you tomorrow morning. Your progress is quite satisfactory, Commander. Do remember to eat nutritious meals, and avoid alcohol.â€ 

â€œWhen can I get back to work?â€ 

â€œWhen youâ€™re ready.â€ 

â€œDoc.â€ 

â€œNot today, and not tomorrow. Perhaps the day after. Perhaps.â€ 

Trip scowled as they both stood. Malcolm, however, thought it best to clear the air with Tâ€™Pol. â€œCould you excuse us for a moment, Doctor?â€ 

â€œCertainly. Iâ€™ll be in my office.â€ 

Tâ€™Pol sat on the furthest bed from them, and as they approached she stiffened. Briefly he considered asking Trip to excuse them as well, but that wouldnâ€™t be right. â€œI believe we need to talk.â€ It was clear from her frozen stature that Tâ€™Pol would much prefer not to, but she said nothing so he pressed on. â€œWe have something in common, Commander. You know I wonâ€™t report you. Youâ€™re a hell of a scientist, and Iâ€™m going to pretend I never heard about your little experiment, but Iâ€™ll never be able to forget.â€ 

â€œI would not expect you to.â€ Never had he seen Tâ€™Pol look so blank, which of course was a defense. He knew that tactic from experience. 

â€œAh, but hereâ€™s the rub: you also know what Iâ€™m doing. You know the reason I wonâ€™t report you is because of how it would reflect on Trip.â€ 

Only the movement of her eyes indicated that she was less defensive than before. She understood, then, what he meant by having something in common. Neither of them had done or were doing what they should. â€œYes. I regret my actions, and I regret the untenable position you are in.â€ 

â€œSo do I, Tâ€™Pol. So do I.â€ It seemed cruel to leave on that note, so he asked the next thing that came to mind. â€œDo Vulcan historians study the lives of significant Vulcans?â€ 

Her eyebrow twitched in confusion. â€œYes.â€ 

â€œNobody else will ever understand what the Expanse did to us. They call us heroes. It costs a lot to be a hero.â€ 

Comprehension dawned on her, and she relaxed fractionally. â€œIndeed.â€ 

â€œHave a good day, Commander.â€ 

â€œYou as well.â€ 

He left then, Trip beside him. Trip said nothing until they were in the turbolift, when he looked at Malcolm and finally spoke. â€œSometimes beinâ€™ a hero just sucks.â€ 

â€œYes.â€ There was really nothing else to say to that. 

â€œStill, I think weâ€™re luckier than the others, â€˜cause we have each other.â€ 

â€œTrue, love. Absolutely true.â€ 

â€œMal, when you wake me up from a nightmare about beinâ€™ back down there, I know right away it canâ€™t be real. Because of you.â€ Trip was developing a real talent for leaving him speechless. He was spared making a reply by the opening of the turbolift doors. 

When they reached the privacy of their quarters he gave Trip a short, tender kiss. Hopefully that would convey the things that he didnâ€™t have words for. 

It seemed to work, because Trip yanked him into a hug. â€œOh, Malcolm.â€ 

They stood like that for a long time. 

**** 

Trip wanted to watch one of those American movies that were supposed to be comedies but nearly always just made Malcolm cringe. He didnâ€™t care, of course, if it would help lighten Tripâ€™s mood. So they were sitting side-by-side on the bed, Malcolmâ€™s arm around Tripâ€™s shoulder and Tripâ€™s head on Malcolmâ€™s shoulder. Now and then a laugh would make its way out of Tripâ€™s mouth. 

The movie was interrupted by a telltale ding. â€œCome in,â€ Trip called without lifting his head from Malcolmâ€™s shoulder. 

It had to be Archerâ€™s day off, because he was wearing a Stanford t-shirt and accompanied by Porthos. â€œHi.â€ 

Trip paused the movie. â€œHave a seat, Jon. Mal, is it okay if Porthos comes up on the bed?â€ 

As if he could deny Trip anything. â€œYes.â€ 

â€œCome on, boy.â€ Porthos didnâ€™t need to be told twice. He launched himself up onto the bed and settled in, front half on Tripâ€™s lap for convenient petting behind his ears. â€œPhlox might let me on duty the day after tomorrow, but heâ€™s not makinâ€™ any promises.â€ 

Archer sat in Tripâ€™s desk chair after pausing the movie. â€œYouâ€™re not missing much. Geoscience is practically glowing from excitement, but the rest of us are trying to find ways to look busy. Take all the time you need, Trip.â€ 

â€œThanks for givinâ€™ Mal the time off too. He makes a big difference.â€ 

â€œNobody should be alone after what you went through.â€ Malcolm knew that statement was as much for his benefit as Tripâ€™s; Archer was reminding him that it wasnâ€™t favoritism because of their relationship, that anyone unfortunate enough to experience pure telepathically transmitted hate would have been given a friend to keep them company. 

Trip nodded and kept patting Porthos, who looked as though he would be content to stay exactly as he was until it was time for his next meal. His tail flopped back and forth and his eyes were half closed. Most importantly to Malcolm, Trip was enjoying the contact. 

â€œSo am I ever going to have a chance at Monopoly again?â€ 

â€œProbably. You know us.â€ 

Archer gave a little smirk. â€œYes. Although I think it was worth it to see Hoshiâ€™s face when you sold Malcolm your properties for a dollar each.â€ Malcolm agreed that it had been a memorable expression on her face. Travis had laughed so hard he very nearly fell out of his chair. 

â€œHey, the rules say you can sell them for whatever price you can get.â€ 

â€œSomehow, I donâ€™t think a dollar is quite what they had in mind.â€ 

â€œIt worked, didnâ€™t it? We won.â€ 

Monopoly was generally not a team game, but Archer diplomatically refrained from pointing that out. â€œWe just got highlights from the first week of the Olympics. If youâ€™re interested, you could come over tonight and watch some. I know youâ€™re not a big sports fan, Malcolm, but it is the Olympics.â€ And, of course, it was for Trip anyway. 

Trip was intrigued. â€œWhatâ€™ve we got?â€ 

â€œLots of skiing, a few hockey games, some snowboarding, skating races, and,â€ here Archer looked less enthusiastic, â€œthe first round of figure skating.â€ 

â€œSkiinâ€™ and snowboardinâ€™ sounds good. I never get how they can do all those jumps. Mal?â€ 

â€œSure.â€ He didnâ€™t particularly care about skiing or snowboarding, but as long as Trip was enjoying himself Malcolm would be happy. Heâ€™d never been in Archerâ€™s quarters as a social call, either, unless one counted the brief visit when they informed him of their relationship. They werenâ€™t going as junior officers to the captainâ€™s quarters, he reminded himself, they were going to Tripâ€™s friendâ€™s quarters. Old habits truly did die hard. But, with all the upheaval, Malcolm was less concerned than he would have been previously. Not completely comfortable, naturally, but not dreading the evening either. 

â€œPhlox said Iâ€™m supposed to avoid alcohol.â€ 

â€œOkay. 1900 work for you?â€ 

â€œYouâ€™re on.â€ 

Archerâ€™s face got more serious after a moment. â€œI donâ€™t want you working on your reports now, but you should know. If youâ€™d rather, we can use creative wording. Command doesnâ€™t have to know youâ€™re actually together.â€ 

â€œNo.â€ It came out forcefully before heâ€™d even really thought about it. 

Trip lifted his head from Malcolmâ€™s shoulder to look at him. â€œNo?â€ Archer, meanwhile, appeared similarly perplexed. 

The whole dreadful experience was affecting him profoundly, he knew that, but it was also throwing things into focus. Trip had said before they left for Vâ€™vlani that he didnâ€™t give a damn what Command thought. While Malcolm wasnâ€™t quite at that point â€“ and he certainly still didnâ€™t intend to mention that the Vâ€™vlani had asked how they had sex - he wasnâ€™t going to deliberately hide the relationship either. â€œNo. Weâ€™re not breaking regulations. Creative wording wonâ€™t be necessary.â€ 

â€œYou sure, darlinâ€™?â€ 

â€œPositive. I donâ€™t want to mislead when it comes to you, Trip. Youâ€™re far too important for that. I wonâ€™t lie about loving you. Although I donâ€™t think we have to mention that I moved into your quarters.â€ They werenâ€™t hiding that â€“ the entire crew knew â€“ but all the same he didnâ€™t think Command needed to know. 

Trip snuggled closer and put both arms around him, which Porthos didnâ€™t appreciate. It hardly mattered, though, because Archer stood. â€œPorthos, come. Iâ€™ll see you at 1900.â€ He was giving them the look that Trip said meant the romantic in him was moved. 

â€œ1900,â€ echoed Trip from his place pressed against Malcolmâ€™s chest. When the door had shut behind Archer and Porthos he spoke again. â€œThat shadow, Mal. Itâ€™s still here, except over you.â€ 

Trip was healing â€“ it was such good news that Malcolm almost missed the next part. â€œMake love to me, darlin.â€™â€ 

He was gone just long enough to lock the door and get lubricant. Trip had slid the blankets down to the bottom of the bed. â€œI love you, Malcolm. I love you so much.â€ 

â€œI love you. I adore you.â€ And because words once again werenâ€™t enough, he guided Trip down and kissed him. It started as a slow, gentle kiss, even when Trip parted his lips and allowed Malcolmâ€™s tongue in. They worked up to a kiss full of passion until their tongues were relentlessly mapping each otherâ€™s mouths. 

He eased Tripâ€™s shirt off and removed his own before leaning back down to kiss him again. They kissed for several minutes before Tripâ€™s mouth wandered down to his neck and he was tracing lines around Tripâ€™s chest and tweaking his nipples, reveling in the strong pulse of his heartbeat. 

Getting quite hard by this point, he could feel Tripâ€™s arousal as well and concluded it was time to get rid of their pants. Trip didnâ€™t stop sucking his neck until their pants were around their ankles, at which point Malcolm had to sit up to pull the offending garments off altogether. While he was at it he yanked off their socks. 

â€œDarlin,â€™ you are so good to me.â€ 

â€œThe universe for you, love.â€ How he wished he could give him the universe â€“ a universe without death and hatred. But of course he couldnâ€™t, and all he could do was lovingly flick his tongue over Tripâ€™s nipple the way that never failed to turn him on. 

â€œMal!â€ That strong heartbeat was speeding up now, as was his breathing. He switched over to the other nipple while Trip trailed his fingers all around his neck. 

He had never expected to love with this much intensity, somehow. Trip brought out the best in him, and being so loved in return freed him to cherish with a depth he hadnâ€™t known possible. Sliding down Tripâ€™s underwear, he kissed his way to the erect penis that was waiting for him. Before proceeding he held placed a hand on either hip; Trip was prone to bucking. 

At first he licked the length, eliciting little whimpers from Trip. Beautiful, sexy little whimpers. Reaching for the lube, he smeared some on his right hand and began to prepare Trip while carefully working his mouth over his pulsing cock, still holding him down with his left arm. 

â€œOhhh,â€ breathed Trip when his first finger was inside. â€œMmm, Malcolm.â€ 

As he stretched him out he continued his gentle blowjob, careful not to bring Trip too close to the edge and well aware of his own needy cock. He pressed down on Tripâ€™s hips firmly before finding his prostrate. 

â€œMal!â€ 

The penis in his mouth swelled a bit more. He was so damned glad to be in that moment, with the shadow gone over him and showing Trip how much he loved him. 

He sat halfway up and removed his underwear once he deemed Trip stretched enough. â€œReady, love?â€ 

Trip nodded and spread his legs while Malcolm lubed his cock. â€œYouâ€™re beautiful. I donâ€™t tell you that enough. So beautiful, Trip.â€ 

By this point Trip was beyond the ability to form sentences, but the love in his eyes said everything. Malcolm settled between his legs, which Trip wrapped around his waist. 

The hate and pain in the universe faded away as he entered Trip, and he hoped with every fiber of his being it did for Trip too. 

**** 

They were eating lunch when Hoshi approached from Malcolmâ€™s left, tray in her hands. â€œLook, itâ€™s the Monopoly cartel.â€ 

â€œHave a seat.â€ After saying that Trip stopped stirring his chili long enough to take a bite. â€œHowâ€™re things goinâ€™?â€ 

â€œIâ€™m trying to get the UT to handle inflections better.â€ Her face scrunched in frustration; that particular project had been ongoing for several months with no end in sight. â€œYou?â€ 

â€œAbout as well as youâ€™d expect.â€ 

â€œYou know where I am if you need me.â€ 

â€œThanks, Hoshi.â€ 

â€œBoth of you.â€ 

Malcolm nodded his recognition. 

â€œI think the scientists are ready to start throwing their belongings out an airlock if it means they can bring more samples on board. Even Tâ€™Pol said,â€ here she smoothed emotion off her features as best she could, â€œâ€˜the mineral composition is intriguing.â€™ Bahzi is about ready to set up camp on one of the larger asteroids. He said heâ€™ll sleep in his EV suit.â€ 

â€œThatâ€™s dreadfully uncomfortable.â€ It certainly wasnâ€™t an experience he wanted to repeat. EV suits were simply not designed to be slept in. 

â€œI donâ€™t think he was kidding.â€ 

Considering Ensign Bahziâ€™s enthusiasm for all things rock, Malcolm didnâ€™t either. Trip poked in another spoonful of chili without enthusiasm, but he was at least following the conversation with some interest. â€œWhatâ€™s so special about these asteroids, anyway?â€ 

â€œThe mineral composition, remember? Nobodyâ€™s ever seen anything like it before. More than that I canâ€™t say. Even I donâ€™t speak geologist.â€ 

â€œYour Achilles heel comes out at last. Do remind me to write this on my calendar, Trip.â€ 

â€œHa, ha.â€ Hoshiâ€™s sparkling eyes belied her offended tone. â€œIâ€™d like to see you follow Bahziâ€™s ramblings right now.â€ 

Singh and Panzetti walked past, talking. â€œI missed the strawberry rhubarb pie by one piece.â€ 

â€œDonâ€™t you hate it when that happens?â€ 

â€œYes.â€ 

Tripâ€™s head jerked up and he dropped his spoon on his tray with a clink. Malcolm reached over and grabbed both of his hands. â€œBreathe, Trip. Itâ€™s alright. Theyâ€™re only talking.â€ When Trip just blinked, he continued, â€œItâ€™s good that they donâ€™t understand, right? Thatâ€™s what you said before.â€ 

â€œRight.â€ He didnâ€™t sound convinced. 

â€œDonâ€™t go back there. Stay with me.â€ 

â€œIâ€™m with you, Mal.â€ 

â€œGood.â€ He released Tripâ€™s hands but kept looking at him, trying to help with something he couldnâ€™t even understand. 

Hoshi looked at them, no doubt reading all kinds of information from their body language. â€œDamn.â€ 

Trip scowled at his lunch. â€œYeah.â€ 

**** 

When they returned to their quarters, Trip sat in his chair and fidgeted without saying a word for three straight minutes. Malcolm tried to give his partner space, but the fidgeting and his concern kept him from actually reading _Defense Tactics Quarterly_. After reading the same sentence for the fourth time, he gave up. â€œWhat is it?â€ 

â€œDo you think I should talk with Senator Jabmari?â€ 

â€œI donâ€™t know. What do you expect would happen?â€ 

Trip took a moment to consider that. â€œWell, the capâ€™n said he wants to apologize, so I guess heâ€™d apologize, anâ€™ Iâ€™d accept his apology. But I donâ€™t know, Mal. I think Iâ€™d end up askinâ€™ him questions about that guy.â€ 

â€œYou have a right to, after what you experienced.â€ 

â€œWill you come over here then?â€ 

Malcolm dragged his chair over and resettled next to Trip, who grabbed his hand. â€œIâ€™m not sure I wanna know all the answers, but I think maybe I need to hear them.â€ 

They seemed to be encountering that a lot recently. â€œIâ€™m here, love.â€ 

Trip depressed the comm button over the desk. â€œTucker to the Bridge.â€ 

â€œYes, Commander?â€ came Tâ€™Polâ€™s voice. 

â€œCapâ€™n Archer said Senator Jabmari wants to talk to me.â€ 

â€œEnsign Sato will hail him and route the channel to your quarters.â€ 

â€œThanks.â€ 

â€œBridge out.â€ 

The standard NX-01 logo appeared on Tripâ€™s screen while they waited. It was a heavy silence in their quarters, although not oppressively so. Malcolm desperately hoped that the conversation helped Trip. 

If his memory served â€“ and it usually did â€“ Jabmari looked more wrinkled than he had before. â€œCommander Tucker, on behalf of Vâ€™vlani I offer you most copious apologies.â€ The senatorâ€™s fingers were splayed in what could only be a ritual gesture. â€œI deeply regret your suffering.â€ 

â€œApology accepted, Senator.â€ 

Since he put his hands down, Malcolm guessed Jabmari relaxed. â€œWe have never encountered a non-telepath who was sensitive to Holarenâ€™s broadcasting. And yet Lieutenant Commander Reed was unaffected.â€ 

â€œStranger things have happened.â€ 

At least Jabmari understood not to pry, despite his natural curiosity. â€œI hope you are recovering.â€ 

â€œIâ€™m gettinâ€™ there.â€ 

â€œI do not know what we could do to assist, but if it is in my power it will be done.â€ 

â€œActually, I was hopinâ€™ you could explain a little more. All that hateâ€¦ why?â€ Trip was presenting an admirably calm front, even if he was jiggling his legs nervously out of Jabmariâ€™s sight. 

â€œI fear there is no satisfactory answer to that question, Commander Tucker. Holarenâ€™s mother told us he was always an exceptionally sensitive telepath, but he alone knows what turned him into the creature he is today. Our best psychologists have speculated that he suffered some kind of intense trauma. He refuses to cooperate with anyone, and his mental shields are superb. Each morning he broadcasts his hate for three of our hours. We have learned to block it out, because we have no choice.â€ 

â€œWas it hard at first?â€ 

â€œFor those with strong mental shielding it was easier. For others it was immobilizing.â€ That, at least, would give Trip some relief. He wasnâ€™t alone. 

â€œIt must be terrible for him,â€ whispered Trip. 

â€œI bend my fingers at the thought. Holaren is imprisoned for arson, but I believe the prison of his hatred is far worse. You are a compassionate man, Commander Tucker, to realize this when you still ache from his broadcast.â€ 

Trip only nodded. â€œThank you for speaking with me.â€ 

â€œThank you for accepting Vâ€™vlaniâ€™s apology. Pleasant hours to you both.â€ 

As soon as the connection was cut Tripâ€™s shoulders slumped. â€œIt couldâ€™ve been me, Malcolm.â€ 

Yet again, he didnâ€™t really know what to say. Trip had been letting hate consume him after Lizzieâ€™s death. There was really only one thing to come back with. â€œBut itâ€™s not; you were never that bad.â€ 

â€œFeel like goinâ€™ to the gym?â€ 

â€œPunching bag again?â€ He got up and opened the drawers, taking workout clothes for each of them. 

â€œNo. Treadmill.â€ 

The gym was busier than the previous day. Rostov was setting the weights for the leg press, Paddington looked like she was trying to win the Tour de France on a stationary bike, and Captain Archer was jogging on a treadmill. Porthos sat beside his master, but he was more interested in watching Rostov. 

Trip headed to the vacant treadmill, and since the other stationary bike was beside it Malcolm opted for that. After nodding their greetings to the captain, they started to work out. Or rather, Trip started to work out and Malcolm pedaled while focusing his attention on Trip. 

After a few minutes of warming up, Trip picked up his pace considerably. It was all so bloody unfair. Bad enough the telepathic assault, but for it to open the floodgates for so many things â€“ and suddenly he realized something. Unconsciously speeding his pedaling, he considered that maybe a great deal of the problem was Tripâ€™s well-known difficulty when it came to forgiving himself. 

Archer gave him a questioning look, but Malcolm shook his head. Trip needed to push himself further, to get to the point where he couldnâ€™t turn back. And if his increasing speed was any indication, he was pushing himself further mentally too. 

Rostov snuck glances at Trip, who had progressed to a dead run. The newly minted Ensign Rostov hadnâ€™t just passed the officer exam without an ability to know when it was time to make himself scarce. After he spent a moment breaking into Paddingtonâ€™s cycling reverie, the two left the gym. Archer tried to appear casual as he locked the door behind them, but it didnâ€™t matter because Trip wasnâ€™t paying the least bit of attention to what was going on around him. 

Archer held back, letting Malcolm step in front of Tripâ€™s treadmill. â€œTrip.â€ He didnâ€™t expect the first try would work, so he reached over and slowed the setting slightly. â€œTrip.â€ 

â€œWhatâ€™d you do that for?â€ 

â€œYou canâ€™t outrun it this time, love.â€ For outrunning whatever precisely was bothering him was most definitely Tripâ€™s intention. Malcolm preferred the punching bag, but the principle was the same. 

Spotting Archer hovering in the background, Trip growled out, â€œIs this some kind of setup?â€ 

â€œNo.â€ 

â€œPunching bag, Malcolm.â€ 

â€œIâ€™ll get the gloves.â€ 

Archer returned to his treadmill and halfheartedly jogged â€“ more like walked briskly â€“ and Malcolm thought perhaps it was his way of acknowledging that Malcolm had to help Trip first. 

â€œWhat are we punching for this time?â€ He adjusted the straps on his gloves and made sure Trip did the same. 

â€œI donâ€™t know.â€ Trip swung, his right hand connecting solidly and sending the bag towards Malcolm, who punched it right back. 

â€œYes you do.â€ 

â€œIt couldâ€™ve been me.â€ 

â€œBut itâ€™s not. And even at your worst, you still cared.â€ 

â€œI hurt people like he did.â€ 

â€œNot the same, love. You canâ€™t possibly compare the situations.â€ 

â€œI hurt people. I hurt you!â€ They raised their voices to be heard over the increasingly loud smacks of the punching bag getting battered between them. 

â€œWeâ€™ve been over this already.â€ 

â€œWhat makes me different, then?â€ 

â€œYou just are. You arenâ€™t him, Trip. You never really were, and youâ€™re never going to be.â€ 

â€œHow can you be so sure?â€ 

â€œBecause I know you, and because you learned from your mistakes. Besides, you never said his hatred was familiar.â€ 

That actually stopped Trip from punching, and Malcolm had to move over to avoid getting hit by the swinging bag. â€œYouâ€™re right.â€ 

This was progress. Apparently punching bag therapy wasnâ€™t just effective for him. Although in all fairness the talking was probably doing more good. 

â€œSo heâ€™s doinâ€™ this to me again.â€ Trip resumed punching with a vengeance. â€œI donâ€™t wanna be angry. Thereâ€™s too damn much anger anâ€™ hate already.â€ 

It was almost a dÃ©jÃ  vu, only this time it was less about all the other things theyâ€™d suffered and more about Holarenâ€™s loathing. Malcolm looked over to ask Archer to excuse them, only to find that he and Trip were the only ones in the gym. â€œWhat were you running from, Trip?â€ 

â€œFrom beinâ€™ like him.â€ 

â€œYouâ€™re not.â€ 

â€œIâ€™m angry at him.â€ Trip threw a hard punch at the bag, the kind that could break someoneâ€™s teeth with ease. 

â€œYou have a right to be. It doesnâ€™t make you like him, Trip. It doesnâ€™t.â€ 

â€œNo?â€ 

He struck the bag with a left hook this time. â€œNo!â€ 

â€œSo Iâ€™m back to beinâ€™ the galactic whippinâ€™ boy?â€ 

â€œYes. But,â€ he enunciated each word carefully, â€œYou. Are. Not. Like. Him.â€ 

Trip stopped punching and ran to the other side of the bag, dragging Malcolm down to the floor in a hug. â€œOkay.â€ 

â€œOkay?â€ 

â€œI think I believe you now.â€ 

They sat on the floor, embracing while the punching bag swung in ever-smaller circles. When his pulse and breathing returned to normal, Malcolm gave Trip a gentle kiss on the forehead. Apparently Trip also felt the moment was complete without words, because he just leaned his head against Malcolmâ€™s shoulder. For a moment, they could almost feel as though their lives were normal. 

**** 

Captain Archer was the only person on board with a full-sized couch in his quarters, as he was the only person who had room in his quarters for such furniture. It was facing a screen which currently displayed a â€œMoscow 2156â€ logo. 

Trip sprawled on the couch with the familiarity of a man whoâ€™d been on it many times before, only to bounce up an instant later. â€œAre those barbeque chips?â€ 

â€œI wondered how long itâ€™d take you to notice them. Malcolm, make yourself comfortable.â€ 

Malcolm sat on the left side of the couch while Trip returned with a small bowl of crisps. Chef kept the crisps under lock and key for parties, so he imagined the captain had gone through a lot of trouble to procure them. 

Bowl in hand, Trip flopped back down against Malcolm. â€œThis okay?â€ 

They were in the captainâ€™s quarters engaging in what could technically be construed as cuddling, but after what Trip had been through â€“ what they had both been through â€“ he couldnâ€™t find it in himself to care. â€œAs long as I get a few crisps.â€ 

â€œYou drive a hard bargain, darlin.â€™â€ 

Archer chuckled, sat down on the other side of the couch, and started the recording. Porthos was immediately at his masterâ€™s feet, and as soon as Archer patted his lap the beagle was up and lying down on the captainâ€™s knees. To his disappointment, Porthos was not given a share of the crisps Archer grabbed. 

Malcolm was about as interested in the womenâ€™s snowboarding events as Porthos, but Trip was enjoying himself and that was what mattered. So he bit into a crisp and wondered why anyone would be drawn to such a cold sport. 

â€œOuch,â€ commented Archer as an unfortunate snowboarder went careening out of control. 

â€œYeah. I never get how people can do this stuff.â€ 

Malcolm thought that was fortunate. â€œYou spend enough time in Sickbay as it is.â€ 

â€œOh, anâ€™ you donâ€™t?â€ 

â€œI was merely making an observation.â€ 

Trip was no doubt rolling his eyes at that, but of course Malcolm couldnâ€™t see. A glance over at Archer revealed the man staring intently at the screen, looking as though he was trying to hold back laughter. 

â€œYou see what I have to put up with, Jon?â€ 

â€œOh, no. Youâ€™re not dragging me into this.â€ 

Trip slid off the couch and stood up. â€œBe right back. Iâ€™ll try not to get hurt.â€ Porthos watched with interest until he realized Trip was only going to the lav. 

â€œYouâ€™re good for him, Malcolm.â€ 

â€œHeâ€™s good for me as well.â€ 

â€œCommander Reed is one of the finest officers I know, but I hardly know my best friendâ€™s boyfriend at all.â€ Malcolm wondered how long Archer had been waiting for an opportunity to say that. â€œIf youâ€™re willing, Iâ€™d really like to get to know him a little better.â€ 

â€œSo long as it goes both ways and I get to know my boyfriendâ€™s best friend as well.â€ He hoped the method of getting to know each other didnâ€™t involve watching water polo. Malcolm had no interest in water polo, which he considered simultaneously chaotic and mind-numbingly dull. 

â€œItâ€™s a deal.â€ 

Now what was he supposed to say to that? The problem with getting to know people was that it inevitably required small talk, and he had never been very good at that. Desperate for something, anything to say, he blurted out, â€œClassic literature.â€ 

â€œWhat?â€ 

â€œYou once asked me if I had any hobbies. I enjoy reading the classics.â€ 

That desperate attempt at conversation seemed to have worked, because Archer smiled. â€œMaybe we can try breakfast again, with Trip this time. When heâ€™s cleared for duty.â€ 

â€œIf you arrange it with him, Iâ€™ll be there.â€ If Trip was there, things couldnâ€™t go too badly, he reasoned. Less small talk. 

â€œThank you.â€ 

Having nothing to say to that, he just nodded and reached for a crisp. 

â€œGood, Iâ€™m just in time for the medals.â€ Trip nestled in, half draped across Malcolmâ€™s chest this time. â€œWait, these are guys. What happened to womenâ€™s snowboardinâ€™?â€ 

The announcer answered that. â€œNow we take you to the medal presentation for the menâ€™s slalom.â€ The gold medalist was grinning from ear to ear, the silver medalist looked awestruck, and the bronze medalist appeared to be trying not to sulk with the cameras on him. 

A deep male voice came from over a loudspeaker. â€œIn third place, from Canada, Gregory Lapointe.â€ This was repeated in Russian, French, and what sounded like Chinese. 

â€œDoes that guy have sour grapes or what?â€ 

â€œIâ€™ll say,â€ agreed Archer. â€œImagine how heâ€™ll scowl when the cameras are off. In all fairness, though, I wouldnâ€™t have been very happy if I was told that I was the third choice to command _Enterprise_.â€ 

â€œGood point,â€ conceded Trip. 

He leaned forward to whisper so only Trip could hear, â€œYouâ€™ll always be first for me, love.â€ 

Trip pulled Malcolmâ€™s arm around his shoulders. â€œRight back at you, darlin.â€™â€ 

They watched more skiing for half an hour, Trip and Archer occasionally making some comment. All was going quite well until one of the skiers slid out of control in a spectacular mess. 

â€œThatâ€™s got to be her worst nightmare come true,â€ noted the male commentator. 

The female commentator agreed, â€œYes, thereâ€™s nothing worse. You just hate it when that happens.â€ 

Trip tensed immediately and sat up. Archer looked over, swore under his breath, and muted the sound. 

â€œHate isnâ€™t missinâ€™ pie or fallinâ€™ out of the Olympics. It was almost alive, like the man was dead anâ€™ all thatâ€™s still alive is all that loathin.â€™ They have no frigginâ€™ idea!â€ 

Archer was quick to concede, â€œNo, they donâ€™t.â€ 

â€œAnd thatâ€™s a good thing, remember?â€ When Trip didnâ€™t reply, Malcolm plowed ahead. â€œYou know I would take this from you in an instant, love, but neither of us would wish it on people who still think hate is about desserts and falling.â€ 

â€œI donâ€™t want you to take it.â€ He crumpled onto Malcolm again. â€œIâ€™m just tired of this.â€ 

Malcolm was frustrated because he felt absurdly helpless in the face of Tripâ€™s suffering. He kissed the top of Tripâ€™s head before whispering, â€œYouâ€™re not alone. Weâ€™re in this together.â€ Trip in response tightened the grip he had on Malcolmâ€™s shoulders. 

By this time Archer was looking a tad uncomfortable. Remembering his friend, Trip moved his face so he could once again see the screen. â€œYou can turn the sound on again, Jon.â€ 

â€œAre you sure?â€ 

â€œYeah. Iâ€™m tryinâ€™ to get back to normal here.â€ 

The commentators were jabbering on about what neat angles the skier cut, but Malcolmâ€™s attention remained divided between Tripâ€™s comfort level and wondering how long it would be before they were â€˜back to normal.â€™ 

**** 

Malcolm was in the middle of a strange â€“ but not unpleasant â€“ dream, one involving phase pistols and pancakes, when he heard Trip whimpering. A second whimper jolted him out of his dream. Trip was having another nightmare. 

â€œStop!â€ 

Shaking Tripâ€™s shoulders was becoming natural, sadly. â€œWake up, love.â€ 

â€œStop!â€ 

â€œTrip, youâ€™re dreaming.â€ 

â€œMal?â€ That seemed to be the routine; whenever he woke Trip in the middle of a nightmare, his first word was that nickname, as a question. 

â€œIâ€™m right here.â€ 

â€œI was back there again. Will you lay down?â€ Malcolm complied and Trip cuddled up beside him. â€œBeinâ€™ back there isnâ€™t as bad as some of the other ones, though.â€ 

Tenderly, he stroked the back of Tripâ€™s neck. â€œI suppose thatâ€™s progress.â€ Tripâ€™s anguish over the dream involving alien mind-controlled kissing was still fresh in Malcolmâ€™s memory. He suspected it would be for a long time. 

â€œYeah. I canâ€™t tell you how much easier you make all of this, Mal.â€ 

â€œIâ€™m glad I can help.â€ In many ways he still felt helpless in the face of something he didnâ€™t even understand. 

â€œI donâ€™t know how you put up with it.â€ 

â€œWhatever do you mean by that? I love you. Isnâ€™t that enough?â€ There was, of course, the part where he would do very nearly anything to take Tripâ€™s pain away. He wanted to help in any way he could, so this â€˜put up with itâ€™ business came out of nowhere as far as Malcolm was concerned. 

â€œWell, yeah. I mean, all this is because of some weird mental bond with a Vulcan ex- girlfriend. Or ex-somethinâ€™ anyway. I dunno. It just seems like a lot to ask.â€ 

â€œItâ€™s not, because I donâ€™t want to see you hurting. When you hurt, I hurt as well. Anyway, we both have a past.â€ The rest he left unspoken â€“ that his past had left him scarred as well. After all, didnâ€™t everyoneâ€™s? 

â€œYours is more normal.â€ 

He huffed. â€œBoyfriend that left me with trust issues, yes. Black ops, no.â€ It wasnâ€™t until the words were out of his mouth that he realized heâ€™d never exactly explained the first scenario. 

Fortunately Trip didnâ€™t press the issue. Neither of them was really up to having that conversation. â€œStill more normal than an accidental Vulcan mating bond.â€ 

The guilt in Tripâ€™s tone finally drove home his real point. â€œYouâ€™re not bonded anymore. Thatâ€™s beside the point, however. You couldnâ€™t have known, love. Itâ€™s not an ideal situation, but I think weâ€™ve well and truly established that nothing in our lives is ideal. You told me that you love me, past and all. It goes both ways.â€ 

It wasnâ€™t possible to get their bodies any closer, but that didnâ€™t stop Trip from making a valiant effort. â€œI love you. I justâ€¦ love you.â€ 

He kissed Tripâ€™s forehead. â€œPast and all, Trip.â€ 

â€œIâ€™m glad you trust me.â€ It figured Trip wouldnâ€™t let that comment lie. 

â€œThe benefits of being friends first. Youâ€™d already earned my trust.â€ 

â€œEven when I pushed you away?â€ 

â€œWeâ€™ve talked about this already. It was a defense mechanism. I of all people understood. Why all the guilt tonight, love?â€ 

â€œI guess Iâ€™m just feelinâ€™ like youâ€™ve put up with a lot from me.â€ 

â€œLess than you seem to think. Anyway, Iâ€™m willing to admit that Iâ€™m not the easiest person to be with. It took being convinced we were dying to get me to open up, after all.â€ While he didnâ€™t know precisely which of his character traits or past experiences most tried Tripâ€™s patience, Malcolm was well aware that he was far from perfect and bound to exasperate Trip on occasion. 

â€œMaybe, but I donâ€™t wanna be with anyone else.â€ 

â€œNeither do I.â€ Heâ€™d never meant anything more sincerely in his life. 

â€œOkay.â€ Trip nestled his head on Malcolmâ€™s shoulder. â€œWhat happened, Mal?â€ 

He really didnâ€™t feel like delving into the sordid details of his past, but the cat was out of the bag. Perhaps he could keep the story as streamlined as possible. â€œIt was when I was a lieutenant j.g. Iâ€™m not sure you could even call him a boyfriend. Our relationship, such as it was, consisted solely of sex. I found him trying to hack into my computer and get information on Starfleet defensive technology. He wanted to adapt it and sell it at considerable profit.â€ The leak could have destroyed his career, but it also came very near to destroying his faith in relationships, which heâ€™d never been very good at in the first place. 

â€œDamn. You mustâ€™ve felt so betrayed.â€ 

â€œYes.â€ Betrayed, used, tread on, and vulnerable. Jack had shown him how easily another person could hurt him, not just personally but professionally. 

â€œMal, I -â€ 

â€œYou donâ€™t have to say it. I know you arenâ€™t him.â€ 

â€œGood,â€ said Trip; the sound was muffled somewhat by the position of his head on Malcolmâ€™s shoulder. â€œYou mean the world to me.â€ 

â€œThe feeling is mutual. Now, try to get some sleep, love.â€ 

â€œOkay.â€ Trip pulled the sheet up and flung his arm over Malcolmâ€™s stomach. â€œâ€˜Night, darlin.â€™â€ 

â€œSleep well, Trip.â€ 

**** 

â€œGood morning, Commanders!â€ greeted Phlox when they arrived for their morning visit. 

Trip hopped up on a biobed. Having just feasted on Chefâ€™s banana stuffed French toast, he was in a good mood. Malcolm thought that no breakfast should include that much sugar, but Tripâ€™s eyes had lit up as soon as he saw the banana stuffed French toast. â€œMorninâ€™ Doc.â€ 

â€œHow did you sleep?â€ 

â€œA couple of nightmares, but they werenâ€™t quite as bad this time.â€ 

Phlox seemed happy with that, and the readings on his tricorder. â€œHow so?â€ 

â€œNow Iâ€™m mostly relivinâ€™ it, but before my subconscious was makinâ€™ some crazy connections.â€ Crazy and terrifying connections â€“ for both of them. 

â€œI see. This is good news.â€ 

â€œYeah. I think it helped that Malcolm convinced me Iâ€™m not like Holaren.â€ 

â€œWhy would you think such a thing?â€ Malcolm was pleased to see that Phlox was shocked, which could only help Trip. 

Tripâ€™s good mood began to fade. â€œDo we really hafta get into this?â€ 

â€œYes.â€ 

Trip shifted on the bed and looked down before muttering, â€œBecause of how I acted after the Xindi attack.â€ 

â€œAh. I can assure you, Commander, you are not like this Vâ€™vlani.â€ 

â€œI know that now. Malcolm told me I never said all that loathinâ€™ was familiar, anâ€™ a light bulb clicked on in my head. Maybe I couldâ€™ve been, but Iâ€™m not. Anâ€™ I guess thatâ€™s what matters.â€ 

â€œProgress is being made, then. I do not expect that you have completely recovered, however.â€ 

â€œIt bugs me when I hear people sayinâ€™ they hate silly things, like missinâ€™ pie.â€ Malcolm would never have admitted something like that to Phlox and was a bit surprised that Trip did, but his partner had been through the proverbial mill. 

â€œThat is reasonable.â€ 

â€œBut I wanna get back to work.â€ That was more like it. 

â€œIâ€™m not surprised. Considering what you were subjected to, your recovery is proceeding very well. Faster than I anticipated, actually.â€ 

â€œThatâ€™s probably Malcolmâ€™s doin.â€™â€ Personally Malcolm thought he was being given more than his fair share of credit. 

â€œLovely!â€ 

â€œSo can I go back to work?â€ 

â€œTomorrow. But no skipping meals, and no overtime, hmm?â€ 

Trip got off the bed grinning, no doubt thinking about his engine. He was proprietary about the engine, but Malcolm was no less so with the phase cannons, and the torpedoes. 

â€œItâ€™ll be good to be back to work,â€ noted Trip as they made their way back to their quarters. â€œEven if Iâ€™m still a littleâ€¦ well, you know.â€ 

â€œDuty as therapy?â€ 

â€œI guess you could call it that.â€ Trip hit the button to call the turbolift. â€œWorkaholics â€˜râ€™ us, huh?â€ 

â€œIndeed. If weâ€™re not careful, Phlox may feel compelled to start a support group.â€ 

To Malcolmâ€™s delight that elicited a grin from Trip. Stepping into the â€˜lift, he came back with, â€œIf he could get us to stop workinâ€™ long enough to attend. Seriously, though, youâ€™re probably as anxious to get back to work as I am. It means a lot to me that youâ€™ve been with me through this, Mal.â€ 

Interestingly enough, Malcolm hadnâ€™t thought about getting back on duty very much. Tereau was a capable officer and things were ship-shape in the armory. If the circumstances had been less favorable, he would have wanted to be on duty and with Trip at the same time, but the duty situation was fine and Trip had not been. â€œThereâ€™s nowhere else Iâ€™d be when you need me.â€ 

Trip gave him one of the smiles that warmed Malcolm inside and out, the smiles reserved only for him. He didnâ€™t want to get out of the turbolift and end the moment, but someone else might need it. 

When they rounded the bend on their way back to their quarters, Hoshi was pressing their door chime. â€œHi, Hoshi,â€ said Trip. 

â€œOh! Hi.â€ Apparently it was her turn to have the day off, because she was wearing shorts and her hair was down. â€œI wanted to see if you two are up for another game tonight. Playing Monopoly made me realize how long itâ€™s been since I played my favorite game.â€ 

Malcolm opened the door and invited her in with a flick of his wrist. â€œWeâ€™re not playing strip poker, Hoshi.â€ 

She crossed her arms and glared, although it didnâ€™t bother him. â€œFor the seventh time, I was under the influence of an alien spice!â€ 

â€œBut that so rarely happens to anyone else. I have a lot to make up for.â€ 

â€œWhatâ€ â€“ chuckle â€“ â€œis this favorite game, Hoshi?â€ asked Trip, who was quivering with laughter in a way that made the hula girls on his ghastly shirt dance. 

â€œScrabble.â€ A word game. He shouldâ€™ve guessed. 

â€œLike anyone else has a chance of winninâ€™ against you.â€ 

â€œWeâ€™ll play in English.â€ When Trip appeared unconvinced, she added, â€œIâ€™m still waiting for the Tellarite letter set I ordered. Maybe next time.â€ 

Malcolm hadnâ€™t played Scrabble in a long time. While years of playing with Maddie had made him a decent player, it wasnâ€™t a favorite of his. He much preferred Risk, although truthfully board games were not a pastime he was all that fond of in the first place. However, it could be an entertaining way to pass the evening. Besides, Trip enjoyed things like that. â€œI suppose we could indulge you. What do you think, Trip?â€ 

â€œAs long as the Vulcan letter set stays in her quarters.â€ 

â€œGreat! Itâ€™ll be fun. 1900, observation lounge?â€ 

â€œSounds good. Who else is in?â€ 

â€œTravis said heâ€™d play if someone else did. Captain Archer mentioned Scrabble a couple of months ago, so Iâ€™ll see if he wants to join us, and probably Doctor Phlox as well.â€ 

Malcolm had thought Phlox would stay away from human games after a disastrous Twister experience their first year out. That was before he knew how deep the doctorâ€™s curiosity and enthusiasm were engrained. Crewman Cutler had subsequently given Phlox a checkerboard one Christmas, and Phlox hadnâ€™t missed an opportunity to participate in or observe games since. 

â€œHave a seat. Anythinâ€™ else goinâ€™ on?â€ With that Trip sat down on the bed, where Malcolm joined him. 

â€œSome of us are planning a girlsâ€™ getaway for the last few days of home leave. Weâ€™re going to lounge around on the beach in the Caribbean.â€ 

â€œTrip and I have a similar plan: a week with each of our families, then a few days to ourselves.â€ He had mixed feelings about visiting his own family; while he was looking forward to seeing Maddie and quite pleased to be there for her wedding, and his mother would be pleasant enough company, his father was likely still sulking over Tripâ€™s higher rank and he didnâ€™t even want to think about the extended family. Meeting the Tuckers grew less daunting with each message included for him in letters to Trip. All the same, the part of home leave Malcolm was most looking forward to was him, Trip, and a cozy cabin in the middle of the Blue Mountains. 

â€œWeâ€™re goinâ€™ to the Blue Mountains. Theyâ€™re in Australia.â€ 

â€œLiz Cutler and I were talking about how it can be stressful to visit with your family, and we came up with the idea of a girlsâ€™ getaway to decompress.â€ She didnâ€™t elaborate, which was just fine by Malcolm. From what heâ€™d seen when Maddie and multiple girlfriends gathered, he didnâ€™t want to know the details. 

â€œIâ€™m sure youâ€™ll enjoy yourselves.â€ 

Hoshi grinned. â€œOh, yes. Four days in the Caribbean with good friends and without a care in the world.â€ 

â€œSo youâ€™re visitinâ€™ family too?â€ asked Trip. 

â€œYes. Although sometimes I feel like the crew is more of a family to me now. Itâ€™s hard to explain.â€ 

Tripâ€™s reply was short but poignant. â€œYou donâ€™t have to. Weâ€™ve all been there.â€ Malcolm supposed he understood even better than Trip, but that was besides the point. Trip had gone through his own trials after the Xindi mission. 

Hoshi nodded, relaxing a bit. â€œSometimes I get frustrated because the things my parents worry about seem so small. I met with my parents for dinner after the Xindi mission. Iâ€™d been looking forward to seeing them, but when we started talkingâ€¦â€ she shook her head slightly, reliving the memory, â€œI couldnâ€™t just sit there and listen to my mother complain about the neighbors when Iâ€™d been forced to decrypt the weapon that would destroy Earth.â€ 

In his case it was turning pirate and stealing from the Illyrians, but the effect was the same. He certainly understood. 

â€œBut you canâ€™t tell them,â€ Trip said, no doubt thinking of Sim. 

â€œClassified,â€ agreed Hoshi. â€œI think it bothered my parents because they knew Iâ€™d seen things I couldnâ€™t talk about. So my mom talked more about the neighbors.â€ 

â€œSeems rather petty, doesnâ€™t it?â€ His mother had launched into an enthusiastic account of her new gardening club, and it had struck him as incredibly insignificant. 

Hoshi and Trip looked at him, mute acknowledgement in their eyes. â€œItâ€™s easier now, most of the time,â€ she said after a moment. 

Neither Trip nor Malcolm had a suitable response to that â€“ but they understood. The laden silence was broken when Trip stood up and went to his computer. â€œAnyone for Roger Chapman? Travis was right, heâ€™s a hoot.â€ 

**** 

Trip was reading another technical journal â€“ he had to get more than anyone else on the ship â€“ so Malcolm decided to start writing the mission report. He spent quite a while wondering how to phrase the revelation that he and Trip were together. _As Commander Tucker and I are romantically involved, Captain Archer assigned us to first contact with the Vâ€™vlani_. Reading the sentence for the sixth time, he wondered if â€˜romantically involvedâ€™ was really the best phrase. It had so far won out over â€˜together,â€™ â€˜a coupleâ€™ and â€˜seeing each other.â€™ 

His gaze absently left the computer, although it took a moment for him to register that Trip was watching him. â€œWhat are you doing?â€ 

â€œLookinâ€™ at you.â€ 

Heâ€™d noticed that much. â€œAny particular reason?â€ 

â€œI like lookinâ€™ at you. Youâ€™re sexy anâ€™ beautiful anâ€™ â€¦ well, you.â€ 

Malcolm had never rated his physical appearance as anything above average. This was just fine by him, as average made blending in easier, and the ability to blend in was crucial in his line of work. Nevertheless he was moved by Tripâ€™s raw, open sentiment. After saving the four sentences heâ€™d written so far he got up and sat beside Trip on the bed. 

â€œIâ€™d thought it would be wonderful to be loved by you,â€ he said after a moment, â€œbut I couldnâ€™t have imagined how truly marvelous it is.â€ 

Trip leaned in and kissed him slowly, lovingly. â€œYouâ€™re awfully special yourself.â€ 

A companionable silence fell after that. They leaned against the wall, shoulders touching. Malcolm took the moment to ponder what the last few days had changed. He would never look at Tâ€™Pol the same way again, and he would have to live with the knowledge that he should report her. He knew how deeply theyâ€™d all been hurt, particularly in the Expanse. Most of all, however, he realized just how intertwined his life was with Tripâ€™s. That had started long before their relationship, but everything that had crashed in on them with the Vâ€™vlani experience brought it all home. It made privacy slightly less important. He would always be a private man, of course, but what Trip had said the month before about â€˜acting like a normal coupleâ€™ made more sense. Not that most couples dealt with such occurrences as an alienâ€™s telepathic hatred, but the point was valid all the same. 

â€œPenny for your thoughts,â€ said Trip. 

He wasnâ€™t sure how to put his musings into words. After a second of consideration, he looked over at Trip. â€œTomorrow is Movie Night, isnâ€™t it?â€ 

â€œYep.â€ 

â€œIf itâ€™s alright with you, Iâ€™d quite like to watch it with your arm around me.â€ 

Tripâ€™s whole face lit up. â€œThatâ€™s way more than alright, darlin.â€™â€ 

Heâ€™d thought that would be the case. Trip apparently saw the need to practice, which suited Malcolm just fine. â€œWhatâ€™s the movie?â€ 

â€œSome Andorian musical with subtitles.â€ 

That was a new one. It was hard to imagine Andorians bursting into song. Of course, his contact with Andorians had been nearly exclusively members of the Imperial Guard, which would make a difference. Still, he couldnâ€™t quite fathom the concept. â€œEither whoever is in charge of the nonessential databursts has strange taste in movies, or the Andorians donâ€™t charge royalties.â€ 

â€œAt least we know nobodyâ€™s seen it before.â€ All the same, Trip didnâ€™t sound overly enthusiastic about the selection. 

â€œI suppose it could be worse. Can you imagine a Tellarite musical?â€ It would be insults set to music. Malcolm couldnâ€™t come up with a situation where he would be desperate enough to watch such a movie of his own volition. 

â€œI donâ€™t really want to,â€ said Trip. 

â€œMy point exactly.â€ 

â€œMakes me wonder, though: do you think theyâ€™re watchinâ€™ any of our movies on Andoria?â€ 

It was good to be thinking about such normal, everyday things. 

**** 

â€œSo everyoneâ€™s played before except Doctor Phlox, right?â€ asked Hoshi as she took the lid off the box. Privately, Malcolm wondered â€“ if Hoshi was competitive at Monopoly, what were they unleashing by agreeing to Scrabble? 

â€œOnly a couple of times for me,â€ said Travis. 

Trip nodded. â€œSame here.â€ 

This time, Phlox had brought a padd and stylus. â€œMay I observe you play, Captain?â€ 

â€œSure. We need a couple of teams anyway. The maximum is four players. Some of us used to play Scrabble in college when we couldnâ€™t afford any other entertainment. Hoshiâ€™s board is nicer, though. It spins and there are the little walls to keep tiles in the right spot.â€ 

â€œItâ€™s the deluxe edition,â€ said Hoshi by way of explanation. Oh dear. What were they unleashing? 

Malcolm turned to face Trip. â€œShall we play as a team?â€ 

â€œAlways, darlinâ€™.â€ 

Hoshi looked over at Archer. â€œHas he always been this mushy?â€ 

â€œYes. He just used to hide it better.â€ Trip made a strange face at the captain in response to that comment. Malcolm filed the information away for possible later use. 

Travisâ€™s forlorn gaze traveled from Hoshi to Archer then Trip and Malcolm before landing on the board. â€œIâ€™m gonna get creamed.â€ 

â€œI thought you spent all those years playinâ€™ games,â€ said Trip from Malcolmâ€™s right. 

â€œScrabble wasnâ€™t one of them. I play a mean game of Chinese checkers.â€ 

â€œPerhaps you could ask Lieutenant Hess to join you,â€ suggested Phlox without looking up from the rules booklet. 

â€œDoes anyone mind?â€ When everyone shook their heads, Travis walked over to the couch where Hess was reading. 

Trip moved his chair just a little so his thigh brushed against Malcolmâ€™s. The arrangement pleased both of them, and Malcolm patted Tripâ€™s leg under the table to signify his contentment. Travis meanwhile came back to the table with Hess. 

â€œYouâ€™re sure Iâ€™m not intruding?â€ she asked while sitting down. 

â€œItâ€™s not intruding if youâ€™re invited,â€ noted Archer. 

â€œI havenâ€™t played Scrabble in ages.â€ 

Hoshi held out the letter pouch and Hess pulled out a letter. â€œIâ€™ve got a P.â€ 

Phlox gave her a confused look. â€œI thought the point was to keep your letters a secret.â€ 

â€œWeâ€™re seeing who goes first,â€ explained Archer as Hoshi drew. 

â€œE.â€ 

â€œNow I need A, B, C, or D to go first, but Iâ€™ve got L. Trip?â€ 

Trip flipped the tile in his fingers over and revealed that they were going first. â€œA.â€ 

Phlox smiled in understanding. â€œAh, so the commanders take the first turn.â€ 

â€œRight,â€ agreed Hoshi. â€œThen Travis and Lieutenant Hess, then me, and finally the captain.â€ 

Hess looked up and noted that they were all out of uniform. Well, you could never really be certain with Phlox, but the rest of them were. â€œAnna, please. I mean, if thatâ€™s alright.â€ 

Hoshi nodded. â€œOf course. Ten minute time limit, alright?â€ 

They all put their letters back and Trip drew out seven tiles: D, E, P, I, L, S, and M. â€œHow about â€˜pilesâ€™?â€ whispered Trip in Malcolmâ€™s ear after a moment. 

â€œBetter to use the D now; this word is on a double score square.â€ 

Trip moved the letters off their rack. â€œOkay?â€ 

â€œAlright.â€ He laid them out vertically, P-I-L-E-D. 

Archer slid the letter pouch their way as Hoshi wrote down the score. â€œYou two are never going to win,â€ she declared with supreme confidence. â€œYou decide too quickly.â€ 

Malcolm replied, â€œIâ€™m a man of action.â€ 

â€œAnâ€™ itâ€™s your turn to actively get our letters.â€ Trip dropped the pouch right in front of him. 

He had never heard Hess giggle before, but Travis soon pulled her attention back to their letters. Phlox was listening to Hoshi explain how scoring worked and Archer was moving his letters around. 

â€œSo when did you play?â€ asked Trip quietly while Malcolm pulled out five tiles. 

â€œMaddie and I played often as teenagers. It was her favorite game.â€ It had also been approved as educational by their father, which spared them any grief over how many hours were spent at the Scrabble board. â€œIâ€™m out of practice, so donâ€™t get your hopes up.â€ 

â€œI havenâ€™t seen Hoshi like this since she took those pictures for us. Right now Iâ€™m just hopinâ€™ we donâ€™t come in last.â€ Considering that heâ€™d just picked out the Q, giving them ample time to get a U and a good location, Malcolm thought they could probably manage that at least. 

Travis laid out E-P-T-H to spell â€˜depth.â€™ Malcolm wondered what he and Trip could make with M, S, Q, O, A, L, and N. Trip was evidently less concerned about their next turn, because his lips were once again right against Malcolmâ€™s ear. â€œIf nothinâ€™ else, this gives me a good excuse to whisper in your ear all night.â€ 

He was sure the others would get suspicious if Trip spent the entire night whispering to him, and the suspicions would be roused sooner rather than later. On the other hand, Trip seemed more like his cheerful self than he had since the whole Vâ€™vlani mess began, so Malcolm just gave him an incredulous look and resumed considering their letters. 

When Hoshi had announced a ten minute time limit, she apparently took it seriously. A few silent minutes into her turn, Travis spoke. â€œHoshi, you do know we have to be on duty at 0800, right?â€ 

â€œYes.â€ 

â€œI had planned on getting a little sleep in between Scrabble and duty.â€ 

At last she plucked tiles off her rack. â€œNot up for an all-nighter?â€ Building off the h from â€˜depthâ€™ she spelled out â€˜other.â€™ 

â€œMaybe if I thought weâ€™d winâ€¦â€ suggested Travis. 

â€œThanks for the vote of confidence,â€ said Hess dryly. 

Travis frantically backpedalled. â€œThis is Hoshi! Sheâ€™s practically a walking list of synonyms.â€ 

Phlox had pulled out his padd, Archer was having a hard time concentrating on his letters, and Trip was chuckling. It was Hoshiâ€™s reply, though, that sent them all over the edge. â€œA catalogue of synonyms. Or an inventory, if you prefer.â€ 

All seven of them burst out laughing, and for a couple of minutes could easily have been mistaken for a group of hyenas â€“ Phlox in particular. Just when Malcolmâ€™s laughter tapered off he made the mistake of looking across at Hoshi; seeing her giggling set him off all over again. Trip was bent over in his chair, gasping for air between guffaws. 

The nightmares would still come, but in that moment all was as it should be. 


End file.
